


BITE

by oppaodiga



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Pre-Idol, Smut, denying of feelings, emotional constipated couple, eventually, romantic smut, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-20 00:00:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 32,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10650813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oppaodiga/pseuds/oppaodiga
Summary: Are we dating?Are we fucking?Are we best-friends?Are we something in between that?I'd wished we never fucked and I mean that.But not really.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this was posted on my LJ account on january 2016 but so I could have all my fics just in one place, I'm reposting here. 
> 
> this fic was inspired by Troye Sivan's WILD EP (you should listen to it if you haven't, specially if you're going to read this) this is my third and (i think) my longest fic yet, bear with me. special thanks to my friend Melisa aka jimin-kun on tumblr for helping beta read! 
> 
> leave kudos and comments if you like this, thank you~

**[10:02 pm 10/07/2016] Jongin: Kyung Soo~~**  
**[10:34 pm 10/07/2016] Kyungsoo: What**  
**[10:37 pm 10/07/2016] Jongin: Kyungieya~~**  
**[10:40 pm 10/07/2016] Kyungsoo: What do you want?**  
**[10:40 pm 10/07/2016] Jongin: You**

 

\- - -

 

Do Kyungsoo met Kim Jongin because of Oh Sehun, because they’re childhood friends and that’s his birthday party. The alcohol flows and the music pumps hard through the speakers, Kyungsoo hangs out by the balcony with other old classmates and familiar faces; the spring breeze is nice in his face, relaxing after a long day in college. The location is expensive but that’s Sehun – the rich kid with rich parents.

Kyungsoo needs another drink, he has finished six beers but it doesn’t seem enough – after all, it’s a Friday night and college is a bitch.

He stumbles through the busy living room, where the music is even louder and a bunch of people are dancing – he doesn’t think the neighbors can be too happy about all of this. Sehun’s parents promised a big birthday party and the 21 year old got just what he wanted, even if his parents were out of town.

Kyungsoo walks into the kitchen, spotting another male, someone he has never seen before - skinny jeans and a thin sweater over his upper body, as he opens drawer after drawer, looking for something. Kyungsoo comes closer to the fridge without removing his eyes off the skinny figure, startling him once he realizes he’s not alone.

“Shit, you scared me” – the man giggles, coming closer and opening another two drawers at once. He’s taller than Kyungsoo, has pretty skin and really nice bone structure. Kyungsoo mumbles “sorry” with a hint of a smirk in his mouth, he must be one of Sehun’s friends, all of them are always so attractive. Kyungsoo takes out four beers and goes to the drawer next to the sink.

The sound of uncapping seems to interest the stranger, since he turns his face and walks to where Kyungsoo is.

“I’ve been looking for this for about ten minutes” – he says while grabbing the beer opener and having a nice smile on his face – “Sehun said it was the only one in the house”

Kyungsoo gives him a smile and intents to leave when his childhood friend comes in.

“You’ve been here forever!” – Sehun says, a bit too loud and not directed at Kyungsoo, but he steals one of the beers in his hands. The older rolls his eyes until he notices a red stain close to his mouth.

“Well dick head, if you would have said which drawer… there are like five hundred drawers here”

“What’s that?” – Kyungsoo tries to nod a spot in Sehun’s lip, the other automatically blushes and wipes his lips. The male next to him laughs loudly and with his mouth wide open.

“Was it Krystal?” – the stranger adds quickly, introducing his only empty hand in his jean pockets – “Damn, Taemin owes me 20 bucks”

“What the…did you make a bet about who I was making out with, asshole?” – Sehun comes closer and playfully pushes the other.

“Something like that” – he answers and avoids one of Sehun’s fists. Kyungsoo has been there the whole time and Sehun just now realizes it again.

“Hey, have you met each other?” – Sehun asks nodding towards Kyungsoo and the stranger; both shake their heads and look at one another. The taller has a playful smirk in his face once his eyes land on Kyungsoo – “He’s Kim Jongin, he’s a dance partner. This is Do Kyungsoo, he’s an old classmate. Have fun.”

Sehun walks out of the kitchen as an awkward silence fills the room. Kyungsoo’s fingers are starting to freeze as three beers are tangled in his hands.

“Can you do me a favor?” – the shorter says – “Would you take out another beer from the fridge and help me get them to my friends? I’m freezing up.”

Jongin snorts softly and does what he was asked, they walk along to the balcony and things – quickly – move from there. Everyone seems to welcome Kim Jongin very easily, and another person called Taemin joins them later on; after three more beers and a series of vodka shots he thinks he hears Baekhyun complaining with a dragged voice about Sehun’s attractive friends. Jongin is a nice guy, same age as Sehun and seems to have the same aspirations, he goes to Seoul’s School of Arts and he has some of the dumbest jokes Kyungsoo has heard in a while.

Shot after shot Kyungsoo spots blurry figures, Sehun’s face covered in cake and some skinny girl curled in between his arms – honestly, Kyungsoo can’t remember much after midnight.

The next day is uneventful for Do Kyungsoo, Saturday welcomes him with a hangover and he can’t do any of the work he had planned.

On Tuesday, when he’s arriving to his apartment, his phone buzzes inside his pocket, it’s an unfamiliar and not registered number, his brows furrow slightly.

“Hey” – sort of a nasal voice greets him, he hears car’s horns and some people talking – “You don’t know who it is, right?”  
Kyungsoo hasn’t said a thing and he wonders if he forgot to do something at work that day.

“It’s Kim Jongin…from Sehun’s birthday party” – recognition splashes Kyungsoo and he giggles just slightly and without really intending to – “How have you been?”

“Fine?” – he answers – “How did you get my number?”

“Sehun gave it to me…uh…” – the other says shyly into the speaker – “Actually I was calling because on Friday you said something about an audition this Thursday and is actually really annoying of me to ask a complete stranger about this but you did say I could get it because of my looks and because I could play the part and it’s totally not-strange-right?”

“Holy shit, you speak fast” – Kyungsoo replies, getting only half of what Jongin said, but understanding the general point – “I don’t- I don’t remember about telling you this, actually”

“You don’t?” – Jongin says a bit louder, the background seems to have calmed down – “Well, you were pretty tipsy when you mentioned it.”

The other giggles and the sound is really nice, Kyungsoo tries to remember but the only thing that keeps flashing is vodka shots and Sehun’s drunken girlfriend licking cake off his face.

_~_

_“You have amazing cheek bones” – Kyungsoo pointed out in the kitchen, when they went to look for more beers. Jongin snorts and opens bottle after bottle, not looking at Kyungsoo – “I’m not kidding-hey you do modeling? There’s this juice-box commerchal going on where I work- I have to design some stupid dancing applezz and zzhit but we need a pretty guy to match with the design…”_

_“Are you serious? You think you can book me?” – the taller turns around quickly, eyes wide open._

_~_

Kyungsoo’s mind is foggy after that.

“I guess I was tipsy. I didn’t say anything stupid, did I?”

“Not really, your friend Baekhyun kept giggling and saying “no homo” every time he was near Taemin, though” – he replies – “Good thing he was drunk as well or he would have punched him – hard.”

Kyungsoo snorts.

“So…I guess…I can talk to my boss” – Kyungsoo answers after a second.

The 22 year old juggles an internship at a little independent TV network and college; this is his penultimate year of Animation Design and he needs the experience. It’s tiring and frustrating for the most part, since he rarely gets to design anything, he’s more of a messenger/secretary – but overall he doesn’t hate it.

Lies, he does, he just needs the money.

“Thank you so much, Kyungsoo” – the other beams through the phone and Kyungsoo remembers Jongin’s scrunchy face when he laughs, too cute for anyone to disagree.

\- - -

  
“Do Kyungsoo!” – someone’s voice takes him by surprise in the lonely hallway, he thinks he recognizes it and Kyungsoo gives a shy smile once a skinny male comes closer to him, his hair pushed back with gel. He looks different of what he remembered – “How are you?”

“Good. How was the audition?”

“I’d say it went pretty well” – Jongin answers and gives an open smile – “Thanks a lot for this, I have to pay you back, why don’t we go eat something?”

Kyungsoo perks his head to a side because that took him by surprise. Does he like Jongin like that? Is Jongin even gay?

“I’m not asking you out” – he puts his hands up, as if he had read right through Kyungsoo’s thoughts – “I just want to pay you back the favor”

Kyungsoo snorts and nods his head.

They end up getting burgers two nights after that, just Jongin and him, and Kyungsoo lies if he says he didn’t have the coolest time in a while. The place was a little more expensive than what he had thought, but Jongin insisted in paying since he had gotten the audition after all.

“You’re looking at Juicy Man!” – was his greeting words that day, he flashes a set of full white teeth and wiggly eyebrows, Kyungsoo can’t help but snort because he has been so embarrassed about that whole juice brand since the beginning.

“Yeah, the brand is gay as hell” – Kyungsoo answers.

The young men remain at the table for over 30 minutes after they are done eating, because they keep discussing about movies and comics, about anime and book characters, because Kim Jongin is a manga fan just as him – even if he doesn’t look like it.

Kyungsoo keeps in contact with Jongin because they promised to exchange some volumes of this “really cool gore manga” and Kyungsoo happens to have the entire set of Final Fantasy.

Without realizing, they meet every week for the following months.

Without realizing, they become good friends.

Kyungsoo now juggles a part time job, college and a small social life – because being involved with Kim Jongin is just a synonym for “friends”. The 21 year old dancer/model goes to parties almost every month, and he forces Kyungsoo to go with him every now and then, introducing him to some of his friends and getting him drunk a few times – or maybe a few too many.

Time passes and Kyungsoo finds out that Jongin moved from a little town in the coast to pursue his dream of becoming a dancer, he has two big sisters and a niece he calls on the phone just to hear her giggle – Kyungsoo has had to talk to her a couple of times, by Jongin’s insistence.

Jongin knows a lot about Kyungsoo as well, even if he tries to not talk about too many personal topics. Lately he has been sleeping less than four hours a night because he intends to leave space for Jongin in his busy schedule, even if it costs hours of sleep, he enjoys his company and Kyungsoo can’t recall the last time he had a best friend, or if he even had one.  
Sehun finds out about it around two months after they start hanging out, when Jongin invites Kyungsoo out for lunch. The younger in the group jokes about being cupid – but he is slightly jealous for Jongin’s role in that small commercial.

“We’ve known each other for over 10 years, Kyungsoo, how could you do this? Don’t you think I would have been better for that commercial?” – Sehun says, clutching his hands.

“To be fair, Jongin is better looking” – Kyungsoo points, Sehun pushes himself, with a hand resting on his chest and looking incredibly offended.

That is also the day Kyungsoo finds out Jongin is bisexual.

“Oh, remember Junghan?” – Taemin mentions, to begin another conversation, his eyes on his food. As Jongin starts to shake his head rapidly, Sehun interrupts.

“Who’s Junghan?” – he asks eagerly.

“One of his ex’s” – Taemin says.

“Junghan, a girl?” – Kyungsoo tries on the low, as Jongin is about to stab Taemin with his knife.

“Nope, Junghan a boy…” – the older says innocently – “He was Jongin’s first boyfriend”

There’s a second of silence and Jongin turns to look at Kyungsoo. There’s surprise, but deep down it feels like Kyungsoo knew.

“I thought you only liked girls” – Kyungsoo speaks, narrowing his eyes just a little.

“You’re one to talk” – Sehun interrupts – “You’re gay, hyung.”

“I thought you were straight!” – Jongin retorts with his eyes open in surprise.

“I thought you two were boyfriends” – Taemin adds and Jongin punches him in the shoulder – “Anyways, Junghan left the country…”

 

\- - -

  
“You want to hear something funny?” – Jongin speaks weeks later, when he’s getting closer to the table Kyungsoo is sitting at in a small coffee shop where they had agreed to meet.

“Sure” – Kyungsoo responds without removing his eyes off his laptop for more than a second.

“Guess who got a call from SM Management”

Kyungsoo stops typing and looks up, Jongin has a smug expression, leaning back on the leather booth and with his hands deep in his pockets.

“You’re kidding” – the older says – “Are you fucking kidding?! How did you even-?”

“Amazing right?” – Jongin mutters, changing his face expression into a smile and leaning forward on the table, after Kyungsoo closed his laptop – “I don’t even know how but I got the call, they said they had seen me in the stupid Juicy commercial – not so stupid after all, huh?”

Because the commercial had traveled from local TV to the bigger stations and it had been a small sensation on social media, Jongin was a tiny celebrity – one that was recognized every other week and mostly by kids and teenage girls. He was more than okay with all of that.

“I can’t believe…” – Kyungsoo says in owe – “And all because of _whom?_ You owe me your first paycheck there”

“For you, anything” – Jongin announces with a smirk, the same one Kyungsoo is now used to seeing way too often.

 

\- - -

  
The summer heat gets revenge in Kyungsoo when he carries all the books he has to return to the library before it closes for summer break. The sweat drops run down his back with the slow pace of his walk – his phone buzzes once he is done with the task, it’s a message from Jongin.

**[03:08 pm 06/04/2015] Jongina: Hey, do you wanna get some beers?**  
**[03:09 pm 06/04/2015] Kyungsoo: Hell yeah, I’m dying, it’s so hot outside.**  
**[03:10 pm 06/04/2015] Jongina: Come to my house.**

Kyungsoo carries a faint smile in his face once he enters Jongin’s apartment, his lips thank him when the drops of cold beer touch his mouth. They are sitting on the couch and watching some silly movie, waiting for a football match to start.

“I haven’t gotten laid in all this year, you know?” – the younger mentions during a kiss scene, he takes a sip of beer and Kyungsoo turns his head with one of his eyebrows raised.

“And…” – Kyungsoo speaks; he hasn’t gotten laid in year and a half, if it was a competition, he was definitely winning.

“I don’t know. I miss getting laid; I’m starting to get tired of jacking myself off”

Kyungsoo didn’t want to know that, he snorts and turns to the TV again. He misses sex too, but he just doesn’t share those types of thoughts with other people – he thinks about the night before and how he masturbated in the cold shower and quickly went to sleep afterwards, it wasn’t so bad.

_Being single is underrated. Being in a relationship is too tiring_ – the big eyed male thought.

“Can’t you get a chick? One night stand or something…look at you” – Kyungsoo says.

“I don’t really- I’m not that type of guy?” – the younger replies – “But then again, I don’t want a relationship. Been there done that, I’m not up for it right now”

Kyungsoo’s face changes just slightly, so much that Jongin doesn’t even notice.

They have been friends for 4 months and their partnership evolved so quickly – in Kyungsoo’s opinion – because they are almost always in the same channel. They like the same things and never feel uncomfortable around each other; Kyungsoo likes Jongin but he knows he won’t fall for his best friend (without denying he’s the most attractive person he’s met. Ever.) So that’s why Kyungsoo’s light bulb turns on inside his mind, because Jongin spoke and was once again in sync with Kyungsoo.

“Hey, Jongina” – he calls, sitting Indian style on the couch – “What did you say?”

“About what? Sex? I want it” – he shrugs without looking at Kyungsoo.

“About relationships…”

“Oh, yea- my last girlfriend was a little annoying” – he explains – “I’m going to start rehearsing at SM and I’m going to be much more busy, I can’t maintain a girlfriend or a boyfriend”

“And you just want sex?” – Jongin nods and shrugs, Kyungsoo keeps thinking for a couple of seconds – “So do I…”

His words linger and he turns slightly to look at Jongin, who seems oblivious.

“You feel the same?” – the younger hasn’t removed his eyes from the TV, he is pushed down on the couch with the can resting over his stomach. Kyungsoo doesn’t speak or move, so Jongin turns his head to find Kyungsoo staring right at him – “What?”

“Am I the only one that is thinking about us…having sex?”

Jongin stays quiet, blinking constantly and his features read a confused expression.

“Is it weird?” – Kyungsoo asks.

“It’s-it’s not that… I mean I did bring it up but…do you even feel attracted to me?”

“Well, you’re not ugly to look at”

“Gee, thanks” – Jongin replies and turns to look at the TV – “Wait- but are you even serious?!”

“Well, I do like sex, and we’re friends, it’d be like doing each other a favor” – Kyungsoo explains sounding a little eager, because now that he thinks about it, a year without sex is a lot.

“I like sex too, a lot, and I miss it, _a lot_ , but don’t you think…don’t you think it’ll turn weird?”

“Why? It’s just sex, no feelings, nothing more than sex, you’re attractive but I don’t like you like that” – Kyungsoo responds – “Do you like me like that?”

“Like a boyfriend? Not at all” – Jongin replies – “You’re pretty cute, though” 

“Thanks” – Kyungsoo snorts. They stay quietly looking at each other, Jongin forms a smirk on his face, which causes Kyungsoo to giggle.

“This is fucked up, I’m actually considering it” – Jongin laughs – “It’s not a bad idea”

Kyungsoo doesn’t move his eyes from Jongin, because his heart is beating quickly as Jongin begins to accept the idea.

“Okay but, if this is going to happen we… we have to set some ground rules” – Jongin begins, sitting up to face Kyungsoo – “It’s clear, just sex and no romantic feelings. And whatever happens, we stay as friends.”

“Sure” – Kyungsoo nods.

Silence - the type that is noticeable. Kyungsoo removes his eyes from Jongin and scans the room, the movie keeps playing on the TV. The younger of the two starts to take off his shirt and it takes Kyungsoo by surprise.

“Wait- right here? Right now?” – he murmurs, his tongue gets tangled in between the words.

“What? You want to plan it, like a date?” – Jongin mocks, his chest now exposed and Kyungsoo has never seen it, toned abs are displayed right in front of him and he can’t avoid to look.

“No, you’re right” – Kyungsoo says, getting up and removing his own shirt and pants in less than two seconds.

He sits again but closer to Jongin, the younger is looking at his chest and his crotch – he gets instantly embarrassed but discards his thoughts, because this isn’t supposed to be awkward or a bad experience, he just needs sex. A few seconds go by and Jongin places a hand in Kyungsoo’s neck – he doesn’t seem to hesitate.

“Do you like kissing or…” – he says quietly, looking straight into the other’s eyes. Kyungsoo nods, putting his hands in his legs (because they had started to shake) and moving closer. Jongin steps ahead, lingering just for a little moment before he locks his lips softly on top of his friend’s. Kyungsoo closes his eyes out of instinct and he can tell that Jongin is tentative about it – it doesn’t feel strange for some odd reason and it takes him about 20 seconds to realize that Jongin is a better kisser than what he had ever imagined.

The kiss deepens, and because that is the whole point, Kyungsoo forgets his best friend is the one doing it, he lets himself go. The movements are deep and Jongin shows just how eager he is, pushing his tongue in, experiencing the inside of Kyungsoo’s mouth. The older tries to get more comfortable and without unlocking lips, he sits open legged on top of Jongin’s lap, moving his hips just slightly, feeling the friction of something stiff in his ass.

A moan escapes Jongin’s throat while Kyungsoo thrusts his hips and they open their eyes at the same time, they snigger and Jongin peppers his way on Kyungsoo’s jaw.

They are on sync for this as well.

Heavy breathing and silence in between. It takes a few seconds to get Jongin to sit next to Kyungsoo, still naked and sweaty, his hands and some parts of his body sticky with cum and more sweat. Kyungsoo stays still, looking around, cheeks flushed and sweaty strains of hair decorate his forehead, what just happened seems surreal.

No one says a word, because how do you begin talking after that? Kyungsoo sits up, getting a faint ache on his behind, but he can let it go for now, he will definitely feel it tomorrow morning.

“That was…” – he begins, trailing his words and looking for something that won’t sound awkward or stupid, Kyungsoo then turns to see Jongin and he just carries a smirk, not the one he uses to tease but the one that shows he’s content – almost seems happy – “What?” – he asks.

“That was pretty good” – Kyungsoo finishes, and while Jongin pushes Kyungsoo’s wet hair off his forehead he says – “Thank you”

“For what?” – Kyungsoo asks without moving, Jongin’s fingers on him once again seem to be electric charged because they leave a faint tickle on his skin – it reminds him everything that happened just a few minutes ago.

“Because this made my whole week ten times better” – he comes closer to him and leaves a soft kiss on his lips, one that he can barely feel but that has him stuttering his next words.

“The match already started.”

 

\- - - 

 

It’s hard to explain how their dynamic changes – because if you ask Kyungsoo he would say everything is perfectly normal, but if you pay more attention you can tell that they are no longer the typical best friends. After that encounter they decided to leave it at that, a casual affair that didn’t need to happen again, only that they fool each other by saying that, because they find themselves fantasizing with yet more nights, more touching and more kissing – more easy and reachable sex.

It’s two weeks later that Jongin brings it up, casually and without a trace of being flustered.

“Do you think…” – he stands next to Kyungsoo in Sehun’s kitchen, exactly where they met a few months ago – “we could meet up in my place after this?”

“Why?” – Kyungsoo responds, they hadn’t plan on seeing each other and he should start working on a project as soon as possible.

“I was wondering if…” – Jongin lets the words drag on his mouth, as if intending to make Kyungsoo understand just by his tone – “We could…have sex again”

Kyungsoo’s eyes are huge, he turns around and inspects that indeed the kitchen is empty and the door is closed.

“I thought it was going to be a onetime thing?” – he questions, preparing more drinks and starting to tremble without wanting to, Jongin helps him and lets their hands brush just barely.

“We said it was but…I don’t know just mentioning it…” – he mutters on the low – “You haven’t thought about it again?”

Kyungsoo remains quiet for a few seconds and just when he’s about to respond, the living room outside burst in a yell – their team must have scored a goal.

“Let’s go” – Kyungsoo says, starting to walk with two glasses on his hands. He stops before pushing the door open, turning to have a good glance at his friend – “I’ll go to your house”

He doesn’t wait to see Jongin’s reaction – a smirk growing but falling quickly.

More nights of casual sex come since then – after a long day of rehearsing at the SM building or after a troublesome day in Kyungsoo’s office – they agreed this time for it to be a long-term deal, sex for when you need it. They also agree to keep it on the low, because there’s no need for others to find out.

It’s after three or four nights that directions start coming: “I don’t like when you lick me like that, Jongin” or  “Can you not be so rough, Kyungsoo?” They agree that is better that way, because it’s the best sex Kyungsoo has ever had, and it’s pretty unbelievable that he found it with Kim Jongin – his best friend.

It seems strange for Kyungsoo when he stops and thinks what he’s doing and what his life has come to. He hangs around every now and then with other friends, and he considers its okay to tell Baekhyun and Jongdae all about his situation, since they don’t talk with Jongin – they think is amusing, but warn him.

“Isn’t it awkward now? You’ve seen his dick…” – Jongdae mentions obliviously, while munching on a pizza slide.

Kyungsoo simply shakes his head, because it has never been like that.

“It’s actually better…there’s not much to hide now” – he says.

“Doesn’t that mean you’re like…dating?” – Baekhyun adds, his eyes suspiciously inspecting Kyungsoo’s face.

“No! Didn’t you hear? It’s just sex. It’s good for him and good for me; it releases a huge amount of stress if you didn’t know.” – he concludes. The other two shrug and don’t push it further.

On the other hand, Kyungsoo’s body seems to have become a magnet and his counterpart is Jongin, always seeming to attract him to wherever he is. They are more in sync now than ever, they spend weekends locked up – only surviving on take-outs and music, and this is when they start to screw it up.

“Are you alright?” – Kyungsoo takes a peak of Jongin’s pale face. It’s Saturday afternoon, summer is about to end and the sky is the darkest he has seen in some time. The taller one nods and maintains his eyes on the windows in Kyungsoo’s bedroom, they seem lighter, a glint in them that he has never really seen before.

They came together in a low moan just twenty minutes ago and Jongin hasn’t said a word since, it doesn’t seem like him –  
“Are you sure?” – Kyungsoo asks again.

Jongin nods and smiles in his direction – not a very believable expression.

“I came to Seoul one year ago” – he says – “Today is the 25th, right?”

Kyungsoo opens his eyes wide and registers these words, nodding, he waits for more information but Jongin appears to be lost in the grey clouds.

“It seems like a lot of time, but is actually nothing” – he mutters, playing with his hands – “I haven’t really done anything here”

Kyungsoo opens his mouth to say something but waits; Jongin lowers his eyes just slightly and stays quiet.

“Yes, you have” – the older says, sitting next to him – “You’re signed, aren’t you? And you did the commercial…you haven’t wasted time at all!”

“I promised my mom it’d be worth it” – he mutters, much lower and Kyungsoo has to crawl over the bed to come even closer.

“It will, Jongin” – Kyungsoo says, trying his voice not to tremble – “Do you think you’re not talented? That you won’t be worth a million dollars once you can debut?”

Jongin chuckles and lowers his head with a drop, now all Kyungsoo can see is his dark and messy hair. He hesitates but it takes him two seconds to decide and caress Jongin’s locks, soft and a little damp with sweat.

“I assure you, Jongina…you will make it big and it’ll be worth it” – Kyungsoo says. Jongin puts his head up again and slowly casts a shy look on Kyungsoo, showing a small smile – one that he can believe now.

It takes Kyungsoo a couple more days to understand that Jongin is a very good actor, one that covers fear with smirks and jokes, one that gets affected by little things like a photo or a song but one that can take three big punches and stay silent about it. Now it makes sense why he doesn’t see Kyungsoo Friday nights – not because he’s busy but because he is the most stressed after a long week at the studio – or why he doesn’t like talking about his days, because sometimes they’re not the pretty glamorous life they show on TV about dancers and models.

These are the little things that have Kyungsoo thinking when he’s alone in his room or walking on the streets, because even if he’s not an open book either, he notices how Jongin is opening up to him – telling him how he doesn’t like certain weather or how he misses the taste of his sister’s coffee. Jongin opens up about anything Kyungsoo can imagine, he feels like there are not many secrets between them anymore – Kyungsoo realizes he is the only person Jongin has ever done this.

As September nears, the label remains: “casual” – all the sex is casual and just a plus to a cool friendship he gained in a birthday party, they have private jokes and when they are alone it seems to be their own world, a world apart of the one they share with other people.

If Kyungsoo could go back, he would stop himself there – before he sinks deeper.

\- - -

  
Once he has started classes again and Jongin is busier than ever, they spend weeks without seeing each other – on the outside it doesn’t seem to bother Kyungsoo, but deep down he has come to miss his partner; and not just because the sex, but the little and also deep conversations they used to have. It’s weird to come to his empty apartment and do nothing but watch TV or finish an assignment, it feels different, like it’s not what he’s supposed to be doing.

His hands ache to call Jongin on a Saturday afternoon, when three weeks have gone by and he hasn’t seen a glimpse of Jongin’s face – but only text messages and phone calls. 

 **[03:33 pm 09/12/2015] Kyungsoo: Are you busy?** **Want to meet up?**  
**[03:36 pm 09/12/2015] Jongina: I wouldn’t say “busy” – but I’m not free lol**  
**[03:37 pm 09/12/2015] Kyungsoo: what?** **Are you busy or not?**  
**[03:38 pm 09/12/2015] Jongina: I’m not. But I can’t leave. Wanna come to the studio?**

He walks to an address he memorized before leaving his apartment; to a place he has imagined but that has never really given much thought to. Kyungsoo arrives to the SM building and finds Jongin standing at the entrance – a playful smile on his lips and his hands deep in the pockets of his cotton pants. They don’t say hi and Jongin just assumes that Kyungsoo will follow him when he enters a password on the door and it opens automatically, because he doesn’t acknowledge him until they are inside the elevator.

“How have you been?” – he asks in a low voice, leaning on the wall and looking at the numbers above.

“Fine…” – Kyungsoo mutters, his heart is hammering on his ribcage, he doesn’t give much thought to it. Jongin nods and waits to be on floor 10, when doors open and they encounter an empty and semi dark hallway. Jongin leads the way to a far door and they enter a wide studio, three walls covered in mirrors and one is simply empty, a big stereo resting on their right.

“We can talk here” – Jongin says, walking to the middle of the room and sitting Indian style, showing a small smile for his friend.

“Were you practicing?” – Kyungsoo asks as he imitates the other’s pose.

“Yeah, just before you texted me…” – he responds – “I’m supposed to wait for the manager to come back”

“Why?” – Kyungsoo says.

“He told me to…I guess I’m supposed to show him what I’ve done so far…”

“And you’re supposed to be here alone repeating that over and over again until he comes?” – Kyungsoo thinks with disbelief.

Jongin chuckles and nods, “He won’t be back until eight or nine…he did this last week as well, I think he got a girlfriend and he takes her out on weekends, since he can’t really leave on week days”

Kyungsoo chuckles as well and remains quite, feeling small under the heating lights and massive mirrors.

“I think the receptionist is his girlfriend…I’ve seen them giving weird glances, and she wasn’t down on her spot”

“So I’m not supposed to be here” – Kyungsoo concludes and it sounds more like a question, Jongin laughs, shaking his head and getting up.

“I can keep practicing if you don’t like danger” – the taller says and Kyungsoo laughs; Jongin takes a snapback from a couple of chairs Kyungsoo now noticed were there. In two steps Jongin reaches the stereo and clicks a few buttons, a low and soft male voice starts singing and he places himself maybe a meter away from Kyungsoo.

When the beat of the song starts rolling and a deep base plays Jongin moves his shoulders first in a slow pace, his eyes are on the floor and Kyungsoo can’t see them properly. He’s amazed, because he never thought Jongin would be this good at dancing – his technique is slow and incredibly sexy, and he remembers faintly Jongin’s voice telling him _“I used to practice ballet and jazz when I was a kid…”_ one time while they were eating. It makes sense now, his steps are a mix of hip hop and jazz, he doesn’t show his face while the whole song is playing, covering it under his snapback and if Kyungsoo could focus on anything else, he would realize his mouth is slightly open. He can’t tell if it’s a long or a short song but suddenly Jongin gives a turn and starts dancing very near Kyungsoo, lowering his head and mocking him with body rolls. And as the song slows down and the singer says his final lines, Jongin bends to his knees and finally reveals his eyes, dark and inviting.

 

_"So kiss me on the mouth and set me free…_  
_But please don’t bite"_

Jongin leans and gives a quick peck to Kyungsoo’s lips, it doesn’t take him by surprise but it feels like his chest will rip open, his body being up close emanates a heating sensation that travels from his mouth to his stomach, all while his mind seems to be on pause.

“What did you think?” – Jongin asks, turning his cap and sitting back down once the room is in silence.

“Amazing” – he says, meaning every syllable out of his mouth – “You’ve been dancing like this since always?”

“Yes and no” - Jongin chuckles his answer – “I’ve improved a lot these months, but I choreographed half of that”

He finishes proudly and he seems to be waiting for Kyungsoo’s response.

“You’re amazing” – he states and Jongin smiles wide, his eyes closing in pretty half moons.

“I’ve missed seeing you…” – Jongin speaks after a moment, his smile falling as his eyes drop to the floor.

Kyungsoo’s mind appears to be displaying one thought only: _what does that mean?_

He remains quite and Jongin leans forward, kissing him softly and deep. Their tongues get involved not long after that and the world speeds up, Jongin stands on his knees and gains dominance on his partner, leaving Kyungsoo to breathe his manly scent and moan on the low – a thing he rarely ever did.

The skin of his discovered arms is sensitive because the AC is blowing; Jongin puts more pressure on the kiss and starts wondering on one of his favorite spots, Kyungsoo’s jaw, pushing Kyungsoo so he can lay on his back.

“Wait-“ – Kyungsoo stops him – “What if your manager comes?”

“He won’t.” – he says in between kisses and licks – “I texted him an hour ago”

“So why did you-“

“I wanted you to come…” – he says, his lips now moving over his own, casting the most delicious scent of mint. They start kissing once again, this time rougher and quicker, the floor is hard and uncomfortable but Kyungsoo can’t say anything, minutes pass like this and Jongin intends to remove Kyungsoo’s pants, unbuckling without looking and his cold fingers make him shiver. He finds Kyungsoo’s hard on and starts rubbing it mercifulness, the older of both contains a moan inside his mouth, clenching his jaw.

“We can’t do this here…” – he says – “What if someone comes and sees us-“

“Nobody will come, okay?” – Jongin mutters, stroking his dick harder with each word. Kyungsoo swallows deep and closes his eyes, letting himself go, because this is what he was missing, wasn’t it?

When he opens his eyes, he can only contemplate Jongin’s smirk, licking his fingers and sitting on top of the other, after removing his own pants and underwear in one quick go. Kyungsoo stares, because the sight is more than perfect, because Jongin’s body has only gotten better in the past months.

The older starts stroking Jongin’s dick, while Jongin massages him with his bare ass. Moans come harder and harder as the pace speeds and the studio lights seem to blind him, or is it because he’s about to come just by Jongin rolling his hips on top of him? 

Jongin supports on Kyungsoo’s still dressed chest as he groans, Kyungsoo pumping on his hard on, he can only look at Jongin’s tense features and with his eyes closed, he comes stuttering a curse and spilling on Kyungsoo’s black shirt.

He has to get back home with a borrowed sweatshirt – Kyungsoo is amazed that nobody walked up on them having sex once they are over, but then he understands how calmed Jongin was when he hears the click of unlocking on the door.

“I’ve been fantasizing a lot about having you on this floor and looking at you on every mirror” – the taller says, putting on his shoes once again.

When his phone lights 11:30 pm and he quits trying to study for an upcoming exam, his mind plays some of the things Jongin told him, because he can’t really stop himself and because he keeps thinking: _what does it mean?_

Jongin didn’t say “I’ve been fantasizing about having _someone_ on this floor” but “having _you_ ”, “seeing _you_ on every mirror”, what does it mean when your friend tells you this? But then again, Jongin and he are no longer the typical friends. What does it mean when he actually mouthed that he _missed seeing_ Kyungsoo…his mind is a mess of thoughts and that’s how he goes to sleep that night, after having a short conversation over the phone with Jongin.

\- - -

  
Kyungsoo has come to understand that…he will not always understand what Jongin means, because he has given up once October comes and the words are confusing, because he doesn’t want to say anything and make it weird, because the first rule of this entire deal was to leave feelings aside and he’s sure he’s the only one seeing the mix signals. He tries to discuss it with his old friends, Baekhyun and Jongdae, but they seem to only give Kyungsoo the “I told you so” look, smugly and unhelpful.

Their encounters are running low and are sometimes canceled, because even if Kyungsoo has a job and goes to college, Jongin is ten times busier – juggling gym, practices and something else that he doesn’t tell Kyungsoo. There are times Kyungsoo’s mind plays him tricks and tells him that Jongin is simply bored of him, after all, four months of the “friends with benefits” game is a long while.

The situation seems to tip him over the edge a night Jongin simply disappears – they agreed to meet on a restaurant and then go to Jongin’s place, but he doesn’t pick the phone and doesn’t leave messages. Kyungsoo asks but has no answers from Sehun or Taemin, and decides to let it go.

Jongin calls him the next morning apologizing, but it comes with the first fight they ever had.

“Thanks for letting me know” – Kyungsoo’s voice is bitter on the receiver and Jongin remains silent for a few seconds.

“Listen, I said I was sorry. What else do you want from me?” – he speaks.

It takes Kyungsoo by surprise, and also gets him slightly more irritated.

“Are you kidding me? And this is how you talk to me? I fucking waited for three hours, and I was actually concerned you were hurt or something…what were you even doing that you just stood me up?” – he responds.

“It’s none of your business. Let’s talk when you’re not mad, okay?” – and he hangs up.

There’s something sour on his throat when he puts his phone back on the table, because Jongin has never talked to him like that and something he recognizes as fear is crawling from the pit of his stomach.

Realization comes in the form of screwing up in his work and earning him unpaid hours, a few curse words leave his mouth that night in bed – Jongin is the best thing in his life, even without the sex, Jongin is his best friend, and he can’t believe that a few words can mess it up.

Fear stays for two days, finally deciding is better to leave his pride aside, because he considers Jongin to be much more important.

Things are worked out a Saturday over dinner, they walk to Kyungsoo’s apartment, joking and laughing, and Kyungsoo’s chest is lighter once they come in to the warmth of his place. Jongin removes his jacket and tosses it over the couch, almost without looking.

“Do you want to hear something?” – the taller talks, handling his phone in his hands.

Kyungsoo nods and serves two glasses of water. Jongin stands near him and places the phone on the kitchen counter.   
He hears a voice, a singing voice, but one he recognizes within a second. Kyungsoo almost knocks one of the glasses when he tries to form a sentence.

“Is that-?” – he begins but stops when Jongin simply nods with a smile - “Isn’t this the song you showed me…that time in the dance studio?” – Jongin nods again, quicker and seemingly glad that Kyungsoo remembered.

“But this is…” – he continues but is unable to finish what he intends to say – “Jongin, this is you!”

Jongin chuckles and leans on the counter, resting his chin on his hand. Kyungsoo is lost in thoughts, because the song is exactly how he remembers, soft and with a hip hop hint, but this time is a different singer. Jongin.  His voice is like velvet, flowing with each note and it makes the whole thing ten times better.

Jongin steals glances in the other’s direction, waiting for a sign, but Kyungsoo remains still gaping at the cellphone as if it’ll start dancing like Jongin did just a month ago. When silence fills the room, Kyungsoo moves his eyes to look at Jongin, who has his own glued to Kyungsoo.

“I can’t believe you’re…since when do you…” – he tries to mutter.

“I’ve been taking singing lessons for a while” – he explains.

“Is that why you’ve been so occupied all these days?” – Kyungsoo wonders.

Jongin nods his response – “The company seems to think I’ll be good as a solo artist. Apparently there’s no one with an image like mine out there.”

“An image? What image?” – Kyungsoo asks, but he thinks to know the answer.

“You know” – Jongin smirks playfully – “Attractive, mysterious, fair and dark skin, soft voice, good dancer and model all in one”

Kyungsoo laughs and gets closer.

“Aren’t you letting that ego fly too high?”

“Am I? Do you think I’m lying?” – he comes closer, almost touching his chest with Kyungsoo’s.

The older shakes his head and smirks, wishing to kiss Jongin at once.

“But wait” – he says, taking two steps back – “Are you telling me…you’re going to debut soon? And as a singer? How does this work?”

“Pretty much…I was surprised as well, because this has been fast. The manager told me that the company needs a new solo artist, since they are handling more groups”

Kyungsoo smiles fully, he can’t stop himself when his arms go flying around Jongin’s shoulders. He can hear Jongin’s laugh in his neck and he can feel the bopping of his stomach – Kyungsoo feels the most sincere happiness inside his chest.

\- - - 

It aches to feel happy, because he hasn’t seen Jongin in a while. It aches because under that there’s sadness and loneliness, and under that there’s guilt. Kyungsoo curls in his bed when the winter holidays are coming close and the only thing he has is a text message reading “I can’t today”.

Jongin walked out of his apartment a morning in November after having a long night of rough sex – as always he said things that left Kyungsoo thinking, and as always he kept them in the quiet, because Jongin probably has many things in his mind already. They can’t meet up after that, because Jongin is three times busier, because his debut teasers are coming out and he needs to prepare more.

Kyungsoo is always the one texting first, and when two weeks at a time pass, he feels worse. _He’s bored of you._ He repeats at nights when he can’t focus on anything, _he has other things in his mind, and lets face it you’re not that important._  
His phone buzzes again, taking him by surprise until he spots another face in the display picture.

 **[8:02 pm 12/19/2015] Sehuna: Friend!!!! Wanna come to a party?**

**[08:03 pm 12/19/2015] Kyungsoo: Tonight?**  
**[8:05 pm 12/19/2015] Sehuna: Nah, it’s an invitation for my 30th birthday**  
**[8:06 pm 12/19/2015] Sehuna: yes, tonight, stupid.**

  
Kyungsoo doesn’t move nor does he smile for several minutes. Sehun texts him again, demanding an answer, and Kyungsoo gets up from his bed and walks to his bathroom muttering “what the hell”.

He finds himself in Sehun’s balcony again, this time decorated with many lights that resemble fireflies, his hand is wrapped in a beer bottle and he’s finally distracted, music pumps hard from the living room, as Baekhyun tells a story about finally putting in practice his taekwondo skills. A tall guy named Chanyeol is the one laughing the loudest in their group, and Sehun comes waltzing hand in hand with the same skinny girl he had made out with on his birthday party. Kyungsoo doesn’t remember her name.

“How are you guys doing?” – he asks, placing an arm over Baekhyun’s shoulder.

They smile and laugh, even if the breeze seems to have frozen their jaws and muscles.

“Aren’t beers making you even colder?” – the girl says shyly, pointing at Kyungsoo’s hand, half of her face covered in scarves. The group composed by Baekhyun, Jongdae, Chanyeol and Junmyeon agree that they could do with taking rum or vodka, Kyungsoo merely shrugs.

“Come on, Sehuna…I’m freezing” – the girl says.

“I’ll bring you guys a bottle” – Sehun says.

“I’ll help you” – Kyungsoo says out of instinct. He likes helping.

The walk feels momentarily like a déjà vu, people dancing in the living room and the music bursts through the speakers, Sehun’s parents are not home once again.

“They won’t be here until next week, they’ll spend Christmas in Singapore” – he announces, winking in Kyungsoo’s direction and shamelessly pointing at the girl with the long brown hair.

Kyungsoo snorts softly, he’s about to go through the kitchen door when he spots a familiar face in a tall male, laughing in a far corner of the living room. Kyungsoo turns back and walks directly to him, his hand clutching the cold beer bottle – it’s definitely him.

Jongin laughs loudly, his back resting in Sehun’s leather couch as Taemin and a group of people are around him. Kyungsoo doesn’t know what to think and his heart seems to be beating faster and harder, the music seems to have stopped. Without giving much of a second thought, he stands in the middle of the group, right in front of Jongin and its almost comical the look of utter surprise he gives.

“What are you doing here?” – he asks, getting up and placing his glass on a nearby table.

“Hey, Kyungie!” – he hears Taemin drag his words.

“Don’t call me that” – Kyungsoo manages to say, turning his face just slightly, the group has stopped talking.

“What are you doing here?” – Jongin repeats, getting up and walking out of the group, intending to make Kyungsoo follow him. The others continue the talk, Taemin slumps on the seat Jongin was on just a few seconds ago.

“Sehun is my friend too, you know?” – he deadpans – “I thought you were busy.”

“I was…but there was a change of plans” – he responds.

“And you couldn’t tell me?” – Kyungsoo spits, almost in disbelief.

Jongin frowns just a little, taking a good look of Kyungsoo’s face.

“Kyungsoo…I don’t have to tell you everything” – he says calmly, wrapping his arms over his chest – “Did you think– we’re not dating, you know that right?”

How plainly he says these words is what slaps Kyungsoo into reality, the music comes back to his ears, how loud everyone talks and people dancing nearby. Jongin remains still, staring at Kyungsoo’s face and then to their surroundings, almost uncomfortably. Kyungsoo replays the last words again, and as he looks further into Jongin’s eyes, they seem colder and carrying a deeper meaning. He traces back a promise they made months ago: _“It’s clear, just sex and no romantic feelings. And whatever happens, we stay as friends.”_

It’s clearer than water, but yet he can’t understand why he’s so mad, even madder than how he was just minutes ago when he first spotted Jongin.

“You’re an asshole” – he says, out of nowhere.

Jongin chuckles. “Are you really mad? You knew how it was, Kyungsoo. You can’t be mad”

In a loss of words, he decides to leave. He walks back to the balcony without saying anything else to Jongin, his hand still around the empty beer bottle. Jongin doesn’t seem to call after him.

“Where’s the booze?” – Junmyeon asks.

“What?” – he can’t associate that with what just happened, but then he reacts, realizing no one is supposed to know.  
“Who even says booze, Junmyeon, that’s so– hey, are you okay?” – Baekhyun walks past Chanyeol and touches Kyungsoo’s shoulder – “You look pale, and you’re sweating…” 

“I’m fine” – he mutters, licking his chapped lips – “I want to go, I don’t feel good”

“But you just said…” – Baekhyun glances around – “Chanyeol is the one with a car, Kyungsoo, maybe he can take you”

“Who?” – he seems deaf and stupid, not thinking about what he’s saying or what people are saying, his voice is lost in between his thoughts and the music that now is causing him a headache.

“Hey, Chanyeol! Could you take Kyungsoo to his place? He doesn’t feel right” – he hears Baekhyun yell.

“Hey, I thought you were behind me and suddenly you were gone…here.” – Sehun nudges a rum bottle to Kyungsoo’s arms and places six glasses on the balcony edge – “I saw Jongin near the door, you saw him? I thought you were coming together.”

Kyungsoo releases a puff of hair.

“I’ll call him” – Sehun says but is interrupted by a loud refusal from Kyungsoo – “Gee, are you okay?”

“No, he says he feels bad” – Baekhyun says, grabbing the bottle and passing it to Junmyeon, who begins to fill some of the cups.

“Do you?” – Sehun glances down, directly at his eyes, like a father to his kid, in between his long fringe.

“I’m fine!” – Kyungsoo finally snaps – “I just want to go. Fun party, Sehun”

Kyungsoo doesn’t say more and storms through the sliding doors, into the living room, permanently looking at the floor and stumbling with several people, his heart takes a jump when he looks at the spot where Jongin was standing; someone else is there now. He’s close to the elevator when he remembers that it won’t open if he doesn’t have Sehun’s keys. Twenty floors can’t be that long down the stairs.

“Kyungsoo” – he stops for a second, but he can’t stay inside that place with Jongin anymore – “Can you wait!”

He feels a strong squeeze to his arm, and he has to turn around, letting go with a rough jolt. Jongin lets go at once, his eyes wider than normal.

“Listen, I didn’t mean to upset you…” – he begins, raising his palms – “But I really don’t like when you get all whiny, okay? If I forgot to let you know, it was an accident, you don’t need to turn like this”

“I’m–“ – he wants it to be quick, like removing a band-aid, the burn and the little tingle afterwards, it must be quick – “We should stop”

Jongin frowns, introducing his hands into his front pockets.

“We shouldn’t do it anymore, Jongin” – Kyungsoo explains, his voice barely audible under the music, Sehun’s neighbors must be so pissed off – “It’s fucking me up”

“What?” – the younger mutters, looking down, expecting to see anything under Kyungsoo’s dark bangs – “Fucking you up?”

Kyungsoo nods and intends to walk to the stairs, but Jongin holds him by the wrist.

“No, explain to me, Kyungsoo” – he says – “What do you mean?”

His voice raises and the faint scent of alcohol numbs his sight, his lips are closer and the wrinkle between his brows is clear. Sehun comes in sight over Jongin’s shoulder.

“I thought you had left…” – his voice falls and disappears when he notices Jongin’s hold on Kyungsoo’s wrist.

“I’m going with him.” – Jongin announces and Kyungsoo looks at him – “Nice party, man. Can you take us down?”

Sehun glances around and fumbles on his pockets – “I’m going back with Krystal, here.” – he tosses a set of keys to Kyungsoo’s hand – “You can give them back some other day.”

And after looking at Kyungsoo’s and Jongin’s face one last time, he turns around to get back to his apartment, Jongin calls the elevator with one finger, he nudges his sneakers on the marble floor and his hair falls to his face.  It’s the first time Kyungsoo has felt friction between them, they don’t look at each other in the eye and Kyungsoo is just waiting to be on the street to ditch him – he can’t be around Jongin anymore.

The elevator is warm – but what Kyungsoo is feeling is almost suffocating. The silence is immense, the music now fifteen, sixteen floors up.

“I’m going this way” – Kyungsoo announces once they’re outside, shoving the condo keys in his jacket and walking quietly. Jongin calls his name.

“What are you doing?”

“Walking” – he says.

“It’s like fifteen blocks to your apartment, are you crazy?” – he takes two steps, but not so to invade Kyungsoo’s personal space again – “Let’s get a cab”

“I’m not going with you, Jongin” – the older mutters, but standing still on his place.

“Listen, we got to talk” – the other says – “And I’m freezing, I left my jacket up there”

“Why did you leave your jacket?” – Kyungsoo raises a brow. The winter cold is severe these days; although he has always liked it, he knows Jongin doesn’t.

“Because I was looking for you” – Jongin says – “And if I went to get it you were going to leave”

Kyungsoo remains quiet, and as Jongin understands the silence, he walks closer to the street, still a little busy, even if the early hours of morning are approaching.

Jongin jumps out of the cab and waits for Kyungsoo near the door, his arms tremble and he keeps blowing hot air out of his mouth into his numb fingers. Pity rises slowly inside Kyungsoo’s stomach but he takes his time, even in the apartment, he doesn’t acknowledge how Jongin shivers into the living room – on a normal day he would offer hot chocolate and blankets. Not now.

“Kyungsoo…” – he stutters out of pale lips – “Did you mean what you said?”

Kyungsoo sits quietly on a stool, watching him from the kitchen counter and regretting dragging this – everything – for so long.

“What part?” – his voice is raspy.

“That we shouldn’t– about us stopping…” – Jongin’s voice is low, almost shy, almost scared – “You said it was fucking you up, did you mean it?”

Kyungsoo nods, his heart beats quickly – it’s uncomfortable. Jongin walks to where Kyungsoo is – the bar where they used to eat cold ramen is what separates them. Jongin doesn’t say anything and is actually worse than the Jongin that laughed just an hour ago, the one that chuckled and told Kyungsoo it was out of place to even say anything. This one is looking for something in Kyungsoo’s eyes, and he’s scared he might find…

“Listen, would it be so bad if we...try?” – Kyungsoo mutters, but he’s sure this is incomprehensible – “If we do have a relationship, after all?”

Jongin frowns just slightly, his hands have stopped shaking, and a film starts rolling inside Kyungsoo’s head, how much it can change and how much it can happen if they decide to be boyfriends, how much trouble it can bring not only to himself, but to Jongin’s upcoming career, unnecessary fighting and unnecessary bitterness. Kyungsoo realizes how bad this can go.

Abort mission.

“Forget it” – he spits and walks to his bedroom – “You can stay here if you want, you know where I keep the blankets”

“Kyungsoo, hold on” – Jongin trails his steps – “Can you be clear?”

“How much clearer can I be?” – Kyungsoo answers, taking off the two sweaters he was wearing and staying in a white T – “I want us to stop, we can stay as friends because I promised, but let’s just give it a rest. This isn’t working for me…and you clearly don’t care much about me, so let’s just call it quits, okay?”

Jongin stops and frowns.

“Who said I didn’t care about you?” – the younger of the two speaks.

Kyungsoo snorts – “Jongin, you obviously don’t. You preferred to go to that party than to be with me-“ – Jongin groans – “…and I’m not sounding whiny, it’s just the fact”

“I forgot!” – he yells – “I was busy! I was about to go to a different studio and suddenly it got cancelled and Sehun was there, and he invited me, for a second I thought of giving you a call but I thought you were already busy studying or sleeping, I don’t fucking know…that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you…don’t say that.”

“And– I’m sorry about what I said at the party, I was– I guess I was taken aback…I don’t like when people start cornering me like that” – Jongin ends, slumping on Kyungsoo’s mattress, staring at the ceiling.

“I wasn’t cornering you. You do get I was mad?” – Kyungsoo says.

“I do…I get why…” – Jongin mutters – “but you can’t flip out like that”

There’s silence again.

“And just for it to be clear” – Jongin gets up and walks towards Kyungsoo, there’s no time for him to back away so Jongin places softly both of his still cold hands around his neck – “I care about you a lot, Kyungsoo”

His eyes are open and the dark brown shines beautifully – Kyungsoo believes it, because he thinks he knows Jongin enough to recognize when he’s bluffing or lying – his heart is beating faster, and he doesn’t think clearly when he places his fingers in the hoops of Jongin’s jeans.

“Do you really want to stop?” – he blinks, his long lashes reflecting the light and Jongin joins both of their foreheads to touch. His lips mist his with alcohol but it feels warm and welcoming – almost like it’s the scent Kyungsoo needs at the moment.

The question travels from Jongin’s lips to Kyungsoo’s brain and its automatic how an answer pops in his head, it seems obvious, yet Kyungsoo shakes his head and pushes himself deep in Jongin’s lips, excited to taste the truth of Jongin’s feelings inside his mouth.

Is a rough kiss, but Jongin tries to sooth Kyungsoo with each lick he gives to his lips. As always, he knows that Kyungsoo likes Jongin’s pecks on his jaw, how he demands for him to not be so gentle, and knows that it drives Kyungsoo crazy when he takes his time.

As they find themselves undressed and rocking back and forth on the soft bed covers, it feels like it clicks again - the previous events seem to be buried – Jongin caresses Kyungsoo’s hair out of his sticky forehead, sucking on the sensitive skin near his collarbones.

“Push harder” – Kyungsoo commands underneath Jongin, fisting the white sheets – “Harder”

He repeats it over and over again as Jongin stands on his knees and spreads Kyungsoo’s legs open. Kyungsoo closes his eyes and his mind fogs; it seems like a completely different day. Was he really mad just a few hours ago? His groans grow louder with each thrust Jongin gives, and is like music to his ears when the younger curses Kyungsoo’s name in a moan.  
Kyungsoo opens his eyes to find Jongin kissing his cheeks and neck, but not like he was doing it just a couple of minutes ago; he does it tenderly, taking special care to push his lips on particular moles he likes – the one on the back of his neck or the one under his right collarbone – Jongin caresses his shoulders with the tips of his fingers, and they are still connected for a long while after that.

The sun appears as an orange glow in the room and Kyungsoo still hasn’t fallen sleep. He doesn’t know if he’s too tired or if his thoughts are too unorganized – Jongin breathes calmly next to him, his mouth semi-open and red marks decorate his neck – Kyungsoo is the one responsible for that.

He breathes the winter air, even if every window and door is closed. There’s silence and tranquility and he’d say the moment is perfect, but there’s one thing bothering him: he knows Jongin is something that will not be easy to give up.  


  
\- - -

  
 **[12:47 pm 12/20/2015] Kyungsoo: Are you up?**  
 **[12:47 pm 12/20/2015] Kyungsoo: When can I give you back your keys?**  
 **[01:10 pm 12/20/2015] Sehuna: Right now? Let’s grab some lunch.**

Sehun opens up the wooden door of the café with unnecessary force; he’s wearing a leather jacket and extremely tight jeans, his hair falls to his forehead.

“Would you take those off?” – is what Kyungsoo says, the younger is wearing dark shades even when he’s sitting and the waiter has brought the menus.

It has been a long time – years probably – since Kyungsoo and Sehun have eaten together, it feels different, maybe a bit odd, but it’s not uncomfortable.

Not until Sehun brings up one delicate topic.

“What was going on between Jongin and you last night?” – he mutters with his mouth full of lettuce.

“Nothing?” – Kyungsoo tries for it to sound natural, for the lie to not come too obvious – “What do you mean?”

“He was grabbing you.” – he explains – “And before that, you looked really upset, I had never seen you mad, hyung”

Kyungsoo looks at him and is a mistake, he expected to find the same Sehun, the one that jokes and makes fun of him – not the one that seems to be reading Kyungsoo’s facial expressions.

“It was nothing, really” – the older starts, but Sehun interrupts.

“Look…I’m only being polite here. I know there’s something funny between you two” – he says – “I may seem like a clown and like I only care about girls and money, but I’m not blind…I’ve known Jongin for a while and I know _you_ for long enough”

Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything; he only starts smiling out of nervousness.

“I’d bet my car that Taemin suspects something as well” – he adds while sipping of his coke.

“Suspects what?” – Kyungsoo says.

“Oh, come on! You know what I’m talking about! Don’t play dumb!”

Kyungsoo remains still and seemingly oblivious, he sips on his lemonade.

“I know you’re fucking”

The liquid flies to his nose.

“What?” – he mutters through watery eyes – “Where did you get that?”

“I’m going to kick you” – Sehun says, passing a napkin – “It’s obvious! I only said the word fucking and you almost drown on lemonade, you’re so obvious!”

“Shut up” – the older says – “You don’t know what you’re talking about”

“Oh, yes I do. But…it’s not my problem” – he starts – “I was just wondering why you had fought. I knew you were much closer suddenly, and you seemed to get along nicely, it was strange you weren’t together at the party…and then you scream at me just because I mentioned his name…and then he’s grabbing you and you’re all upset…I was curious, but if you don’t want to tell me it’s fine…I thought we were friends, that’s all.”

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes – he’s actually surprised of how much Sehun knows.

“I bet you would tell Baekhyun, though” – he adds, with an almost shaky voice that Kyungsoo recognizes too well – “Or Jongdae, you would tell him”

Even if he’s right, because Jongdae and Baekhyun already know, it annoys him.

“Oh shut up!” – Kyungsoo says – “Fine! I’ll tell you…but keep your mouth shut while I tell you and afterwards, you won’t tell anyone! Swear it!”

“Yeah, I swear it. Spill”

Kyungsoo tells him – from the time they made their “plan” until last night, always leaving some details in the private, he’s very vague about his own feelings and how he has felt lately, because not even Kyungsoo knows exactly what or _how_ he feels.

“I knew it!” – Sehun punches the table – “You fucked that time we watched that Barcelona – Liverpool, didn’t you?”

“What? How do you even remember that?”

“You kept looking at him weirdly…and I remember Jongin kept looking at his watch and when you got up he licked his lips and grabbed his– ugh, gross” – the younger pouts – “But wait, you’re not dating?”

Kyungsoo shakes his head.

“And isn’t that…I mean not my business but– to be honest, hyung…you need to be careful” – Sehun says – “I like Jongin a lot, he’s a good friend, but he does seem to be focused on his career”

“And what does that mean?”

“Well…he will leave you behind once he goes big” – he says – “He won’t give much of a second thought to stop what you’re doing. And your face– you seem to be close to fall in love.”

Kyungsoo denies and denies, Sehun drops it. The heavy words of Sehun’s statement carry on Kyungsoo’s back like iron, he twists them to make them seem nice and not so real – not so painful. They hurt, is fear what comes next, because Kyungsoo starts to believe it. Jongin’s smiling face mocks him, he smiles not just to him now, but on a stage and to cameras, to millions of people – _he will leave you behind._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *the lyrics of "Jongin's song" are taken from Troye Sivan's Bite.


	2. Chapter 2

“Would you like to spend New Year’s at my house?” – he asks Jongin a week later.  
  
“Aren’t you spending it with your family?” – Jongin gives a soft smile. Kyungsoo shakes his head.  
  
“My parents are on a cruise” – he says – “And my brother lives in Japan so…”  
  
“You’re alone as well?” – Jongin says and Kyungsoo laughs, it sounds pathetic now that he said it like that.  
  
“Aren’t you invited to a party?” – Kyungsoo asks. Jongin shakes his head.  
  
“Nobody has…well you did just now, and I won’t miss it”  
  
That’s how he finds himself sitting on his living room floor on New Year’s Eve, ten different empty plates in between him and Jongin, soft music playing in the background.  
  
“Okay, there’s this soup my mom makes, I don’t even know the name, but I get this thing on my chest when I taste it…” – Jongin mouths, looking down on the floor – “Your turn”  
  
“Those days when twilight comes and everything looks orange” – Kyungsoo says – “I always try to take at least a minute and stare…”  
  
Jongin gazes and smirks.  
  
“Wet dirt” – he says – “And humidity”  
  
“What?” – Kyungsoo laughs – “That eases you?”  
  
“Yes, the storage room in my parents’ house always floods when it rains…and the smell is…” – he lingers and smiles, nudging Kyungsoo for him to go.  
  
“New book smell” – Kyungsoo says – “When you open it for the first time.”  
  
“White pillows” – Jongin speaks – “More than three is just heaven”  
  
“Cracking my knuckles…wait that was lame” – Kyungsoo adds but Jongin laughs loudly.  
  
The sound is different, or maybe Kyungsoo is losing it - there’s a moment of silence, a moment in which Kyungsoo knows he’s blushing because he needs to remove his scarf, a moment he curses inside his head because his idea of a “fun game” turned against him. Jongin speaks later on.  
  
“It’s almost midnight” – he says, which is the sign to start clearing the floor.  
  
When the numbers are nearing to 12:00 and there’s booming lights in the night sky, Jongin starts kissing Kyungsoo, soft, almost innocently, there’s a trace of something sweet – probably from the coca cola they were drinking – their New Year starts with soft strokes in their arms and the fireworks outside are nothing compared with the hammering of Kyungsoo’s heart.  
  
Jongin stops and looks at Kyungsoo, profoundly, barely even blinking – “Happy New Year” – he mouths, gracing his lips over Kyungsoo’s with each word.  
  
“Happy New Year” – he repeats, causing the same friction in between their mouths and before they are joined once again, Jongin rolls circles on Kyungsoo’s cheek, softly, in the tenderest way.  
  
They go to the bedroom without separating, they leave a trail of clothing pieces on the short hallway and when they reach the bed Kyungsoo is already naked. Jongin bites the skin on Kyungsoo’s neck and all he can do is remain still, drowning in pleasure and drawing figures on Jongin’s defined back and shoulders. The younger leaves a parade of wet kisses all over Kyungsoo’s chest and stomach, traveling lower on his body until he finds the tip of Kyungsoo’s cock touching his chin.  
  
He gives a tentative lick, taking care to cast a desiring look at Kyungsoo, who is clutching the sheets in between his fingers and it takes him by surprise when Jongin introduces the whole thing inside his mouth, quick movements and then slow, running his tongue around the shaft and making Kyungsoo shiver a moan – he repeats it and hugs his lips almost at the base of the cock, pushing further with eyes closed and squeezing the skin of Kyungsoo’s thighs.  
  
“Fuck” – comes out of Kyungsoo’s mouth in a slow whimper and Jongin repeats the motion, playing with his tip and deepening once again, Kyungsoo trembles, gasping with each suck Jongin gives – “I’m going– I’ll come–“  
  
And Jongin is quicker; he separates his face in time to give hard strokes around Kyungsoo’s cock, which have him screaming obscenities; he comes staining Jongin’s chest and a part of his neck – is after a couple of breathes that Kyungsoo sits up and begins to lick his chest, tasting his own saltiness.  
  
Jongin raises a brow and smirks, because is rare for Kyungsoo to do this.  
  
“You’re never loud” – he mentions while Kyungsoo continues to kiss and suck hard on Jongin’s neck, his voice is low and hoarse – “I like when you scream…scream my name next.”  
  
Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and in two seconds localizes the lube bottle under the bed – “Prep me up” – he says as he tosses the bottle onto Jongin’s hands.  
  
Kyungsoo turns around, leaving his ass wide open to Jongin’s view, waiting to feel the coldness of Jongin’s fingers at his entrance – but there’s something else, something more wet and slick, something warm and quick, Jongin licks on his hole and around it which has Kyungsoo moaning and gasping; he arches his back and Jongin simply holds him steady, repeating the motion with his tongue – in and out.  
  
“Do it, I’m going crazy” – Kyungsoo mutters, debating to scream or to just bite the sheets.  
  
“As you say” – Jongin chuckles, pushing one finger in softly, Kyungsoo moans, pushing his forehead into the mattress, Jongin massages, without wasting more time he pushes a second finger – “Scream” – Jongin whispers as he stops moving his fingers momentarily and Kyungsoo groans and wiggles his ass – “Beg me”  
  
“Don’t be an asshole, Jongin, just do it” – the older says.  
  
“I don’t think you want it…” – Jongin pulls his fingers out and Kyungsoo stops him, catching him by the wrist and pushing in.  
  
“I do, please… _please, Jongin_ ” – and as if those were magic words, Jongin begins to rock those fingers in and out more fiercely, until Kyungsoo gasps on the low, as if grasping for air.  
  
Jongin stops, and stands on his knees to catch Kyungsoo’s open mouth on his own. He takes his neck in between his sticky fingers and face, kissing passionately and widely, they sink in the mattress, mixing soft moans and rocking their hips to find friction – Kyungsoo’s cock growing harder and harder once again.  
  
“I want you inside me” – Kyungsoo whispers in between kisses – “ _Fuck me_ , Jongin”  
  
Jongin groans and forces his tongue inside Kyungsoo’s mouth, touching past his teeth. After this he places himself in between Kyungsoo’s legs, massaging his cock with more lube and washing the hole with his tip. Kyungsoo marks his bottom lip with his teeth, looking at nothing but Jongin’s eyes, dark and focused.  
  
The younger pushes slowly until their skins are touching; Kyungsoo wraps his legs around his torso and tries to push him even deeper – “Is this alright?” – Jongin asks and Kyungsoo nods with a small smile, because even if they have done it over ten times, he always takes his time to adjust to how Kyungsoo feels or what Kyungsoo wants, quicker or slower, rougher or softer, he always asks.  
  
He rocks his hips, almost until he’s out and then pushes in, slowly, getting Kyungsoo to adjust and then beg for more – he’s sweaty and hot, the fireworks have stopped, there’s silence, and Jongin lowers his head to kiss Kyungsoo once more, licking at his chin and pushing past to his neck, he pushes his hips in and out with more force each time and Kyungsoo begins to pant.  
  
“Fuck” – Kyungsoo says, closing his eyes once Jongin found the spot, whiteness reveals behind his close eyelids – “Ah fuck, right there–“  
  
“You look so perfect” – Jongin says, sounding a little tired but it catches Kyungsoo off-guard. He opens his eyes. Jongin is looking at him, and it’s all it takes for Kyungsoo to beg for more, he screams Jongin’s name as he traps his cock and starts stroking.  
  
“Don’t– _holy fuck_ , don’t stop” – Kyungsoo says, holding himself on Jongin’s forearms – “Come inside me, come inside me” – he repeats, which has Jongin’s cursing on the low.        
  
The bed creaks on the wooden floor and the orgasm comes three seconds later, Jongin muffling his screams on Kyungsoo’s neck and then giving rough pumps to Kyungsoo’s cock, having him come for a second time that night.  
  
Kyungsoo plays with Jongin’s hair once they are side by side on the bed, everything is warm and soft. The silence is the best, because he can take in Jongin’s smooth breathes next to him. They don’t need to talk – never have, but Kyungsoo’s heart jumps when Jongin mumbles.  
  
“When I call you and you pick up the phone…” – he turns to rest on his side, in front of Kyungsoo – “it’s another thing that eases me.”  
  
“I always pick up” – Kyungsoo says.  
  
“Yeah, exactly” – Jongin looks at his eyes – “You’re always there”  
  
Silence, Kyungsoo’s clock resting on the bed side table tics – his heart beats twice with every passing second.  
  
“Especially when you pretend you weren’t sleeping and your voice is super raspy. I like that.”   
Kyungsoo chuckles and kisses Jongin on the mouth, he returns it.  
  
“I’m glad we’re together today…” – is a whisper Jongin gives – “This is the best New Year’s I’ve had”  
  
“Me too” – Kyungsoo responds and it’s not long before they fall asleep in the same position, mirroring, trailing figures on each other’s skin.

\- - -

  
Kim Jongin is only a friend, he repeats like a mantra, over and over and it’s easier to believe it once the first weeks of the year run him over. He doesn’t see Jongin for a long while – not even on their birthdays – only surviving on text messages and phone calls.   
  
“The next weeks are going to be a mess” – he would say some nights – “More teasers are coming out, are you seeing them? I can’t bring myself to look at it.”  
  
The image that Jongin – or probably Kai, since that’s his new stage name – shows on every teaser is exactly what he said that night in November, he is portrayed as a mysterious man, always drinking coffee and disappearing suddenly. In other teasers he walks on white backgrounds and starts dancing out of nowhere, he thinks he can imagine a bunch of giggling girls sitting around a computer screen while seeing that. Jongin always wears eyeliner and his hair is perfectly styled, the clothes he wears are probably worth more than Kyungsoo’s apartment.  
  
Kyungsoo chuckles because he gets what Jongin means when he says he can’t watch it.  
  
“I recorded the music video today, it was a mess” – he says a Tuesday – “I didn’t know what I was doing half of the time, and the other half I kept screwing it up…”  
  
Kyungsoo manages to bring him up every time he calls, because he knows that he’s the only person Jongin talks about insecurities and fears. Kyungsoo never says what he has been thinking, there’s no point right now.  
  
“January 26” – he says to the speaker another day – “It comes out on January 26”  
  
“Are you serious? That’s…in a week and a half!” – Kyungsoo says with a smile – “That’s amazing, and will you get to rest then?”  
  
Stupid question. He has known for months that the moment Jongin debuts, everything is done. He remembers Sehun’s word on Christmas and how true they felt. Kyungsoo still asks because he’s stupid.  
  
Jongin chuckles – “Not really, I will have to go to music shows and interviews and perform here and there. They’ve told me is a around a month of promotions.”  
  
Kyungsoo nods even if Jongin can’t see him, the phone call ends minutes later with an invitation to Jongin’s release party.  
  
“It’s a couple of people, mostly producers and managers, but they told me I could invite family and friends” – Jongin says – “Will you come?”  
  
“Of course” – he says honestly – “Wouldn’t miss it for anything”  
  
On January 25th, even if it’s a Monday and he has classes early the next day, he goes to a fancy location in the middle of the city – he put on the most expensive shirt he has, one that he never wears and watches a tutorial on how to style his hair – failing, and having to take another shower.  
  
He goes with Sehun, who had offered to pick him up – the street at the entrance of the building is full of cameras and it’s a little overwhelming, he glances to his left and notices Sehun loves it – is Jongin really that famous already?  
They are escorted to a room inside, decorated with black furniture and there’s soft hip hop playing in the background, there are not many people in there yet.  
  
“Have you known about Jongin?” – Kyungsoo asks Sehun, who is munching on crab snacks – “I texted him but he hasn’t answered.”  
  
Sehun shakes his head and glances around, he’s wearing a suit and his pocket is full of presentation cards, he and Jongin have a plan to make him debut under SM Entertainment as well.  
  
As an hour flies and there’s no sign of Jongin but other people – between them managers, producers, choreographers and pop idols – Kyungsoo is bored and anxious, the music just repeats over and over and Sehun is lost in celebrities he just met but that are fascinated with his sharp and perfect porcelain face, he has delivered like five or six cards, all with a wink and a smile.  
  
“Have fun, hyung!” – he says once he is sitting at the table once again, a glass of champagne in his hand – “Don’t you want to make contacts? Future job offers are here!”  
  
“I’m not pretty like you” – he jokes – “I can’t dance either.”  
  
“Your mind is what’s cool, idiot” – the younger says close to his face – “You can design a bunch of stuff here!”  
  
Kyungsoo frowns because it had never occurred to him and it doesn’t seem like a bad idea – “I actually had a word with the CEO’s second assistant and he said he had seen me with Jongin a few weeks back, we can go and–“  
  
“Can I have your attention, please?” – a man is on the stage on the far back of the room, a light points directly at his face and he looks white as a ghost, his suit is green and velvety, Kyungsoo thinks he has seen him before somewhere, probably on TV – “We’re here to meet the new rising star of SM, we have seen him here and there but he always seems to _disappear_ , doesn’t he?”  
  
The crowd laughs and camera flashes shoot to the stage – “We’re here to support his anticipated debut, he’s young, sexy and I’m sure will surprise more than a couple of us soon…Here with us, Kai!”  
  
The crowd claps and Kyungsoo is frozen. Jongin walks three steps and his pose is different from the Jongin he knows – he struts on the stage and bows to the cameras, he waves and smirks, the smirk he rarely ever gave to Kyungsoo anymore, the one he saw when they first met. Jongin is wearing tight ripped jeans, his shirt is see-through and over his shoulders there’s a black leather jacket – _that’s why he has been hitting the gym so franticly_ , Kyungsoo thinks.   
  
“Good evening” – he says clearly – “I’m Kai, and I’m so excited to be here with all of you tonight. Please look forward to all I have to give”  
  
The crowd claps again and the MC grabs the mike from his hands in one quick go – “So, what are we going to see from you tonight? Your title track is one of the trending topics today on social media…”  
  
Jongin blinks and Kyungsoo smirks a little, _that’s_ the Jongin he knows, but Jongin’s façade is back up in a mere second, he smirks again and answers something way too cheesy, something that has him and Sehun snorting.  
  
“Without further ado, and because is already past midnight” – the MC speaks and people laugh forcedly once again – “let’s see Kai’s “Bite”  
  
The room goes dark and just a few camera flashes explode before Kai’s voice flows like smoke in the room, the screen behind the stage turns white and the music video begins – first is his face, his face in full HD, his eyes closed and with deep smoky make-up, Kyungsoo tries not to gap. It cuts to Kai walking on an empty street, he’s wearing almost the same outfit (jeans and a jacket), he continues to sing until the beat drops and then a slow choreography begins in a white studio – the same choreography he showed on the SM building, maybe a few twitches here and there, but it’s the same and Kyungsoo feels like everyone in the room is invading a private thought; he liked to think that he was the only person that had heard that song and seen him dance like that.  
  
He hears whispers all around him, as people comment on Jongin’s dance style and the originality of the video – Kai’s character appears to be on a mission, as he seems to be looking for someone on the streets and the camera moves closer to his face with every take, his character seems scared about something, maybe a bit paranoid – with the chorus there’s a dance break, it’s slow, just as Kyungsoo remembers vaguely. He loves it.  
  
Back up dancers appear and they imitate Kai’s moves, it seems to be a ritual more than any choreography of a generic pop idol, they hug and seem to praise on Kai’s presence – the song gets stronger, the video turns blurry and Kai’s voice sings alone, there’s a frontal shot of his face again, his eyes are closed still, he’s back walking alone in some street, all of this happens so quickly, suddenly his figures vanishes, like he can teleport and when Kai opens his eyes, he gives a wicked smirk, it’s a chilly feeling – he disappears from the white studio as well.  
  
People clap for a while. Kyungsoo claps slowly, letting everything sink in – _that wasn’t Jongin_ , he repeats in his mind, _that was someone else._  
  
He can’t talk to Jongin for another hour. It’s almost 2:00 in the morning when Jongin approaches to their table, holding a glass of a yellow liquid.  
  
“Hey!” – he says with a wide smile – “How are you? What did you think?”  
  
Jongin doesn’t particularly look at Kyungsoo, the whole sentence it’s thrown at Sehun and him.  
  
“That was amazing!” – Sehun beams – “It was so cool, what’s that with you vanishing, and what was with your last smile, that was freaky!”  
  
Kyungsoo intends to smile but he feels strange, he’s sleepy and he thought the whole night would be much different. Jongin smiles and looks at him, his eyes don’t say much – “Did you like it?” – this _is_ directed at Kyungsoo.  
  
“I did! A lot” – he says, maybe he would have to watch it a couple more times to understand the point of the whole thing – “It was interesting”  
  
His voice falls and Jongin turns, saying a quick “be right back”.  
  
“What’s up with you?” – Sehun says.  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“Do you want to leave?” – the younger asks and Kyungsoo chuckles with a nod – “I don’t think this will last much longer” – Sehun finishes sympathetically.   
  
“Jongin!” – Kyungsoo calls behind his back and the younger turns with a surprised face, he was talking to an older man – “I think I’m going to leave…I have class tomorrow or– in a few hours”  
  
Jongin glances back and says something to the other individual – “Oh, sure…let’s walk to somewhere quiet”  
  
They reach the entrance hall, it’s empty apart from a few people smoking, the music is not so loud.  
  
“Did you have a nice time?” – Jongin asks, his eyes on the door, his hair looks extremely shiny and Kyungsoo now notices that is a light brown and not his past dark color, it fits him well – “I’m sorry I couldn’t spend more time with you guys”  
  
The last word dances in Kyungsoo’s mind, it sparks something in his chest – Jongin was acting like he was supposed to, Kyungsoo and he were only friends, yet…  
  
“It’s fine, it was fun…the food was really good” – the older says and his tone is flat – “I should look for Sehun…”  
  
“I’ll call you sometime” – it’s how light he says these words that pinch Kyungsoo on the chest, he doesn’t even turn around when Jongin says goodbye.  
  
“Yea, whatever” – is all he can say back.

\- - - 

Kyungsoo’s thoughts are messy and the best word to describe how he feels is troublesome. He failed two tests in the past week and that triggers something in him, he never failed. That morning after the party is a mess and he’s falling asleep that afternoon at work – he can’t say he regrets going but he knows his mood was way better the day before. Is just that the image of “Kai” flies to his mind every couple of minutes, and it’s the portrait of everything he feared – popular, the one that is too busy and important, the one that will let go. Sehun pushes Kai in his imagination and laughs, hard, tears form in the corner of his eyes – _“I told you so, hyung”_  
  
Kyungsoo punches his desk and types angrily to the keyboard – coding was never so annoying.  
  
Being ignored is not new – he was never a popular kid in school and he was always distant to his friends, not because he wanted but because that’s how things always were and it worked, before he met Kim Jongin. Kyungsoo thinks about texting Jongin two days after the party, but he stops himself because Jongin said he would call – sometime.  
  
Time passes, and the call doesn’t come.  
  
As January ends, Kyungsoo can only hear Jongin in the new songs from the album “Bite”. He wants to know if Jongin had anything to do with the production or lyrics in his songs since they get a whole new meaning when he sits and actually _listens._  
  


_"You can coax the cold right out of me._  
_Drape me in your warmth._  
_I’m pulling on your heart to push my luck._  
_Kiss me on the mouth and set me free…_  
_But please don’t bite."_

  
Kyungsoo catches a glimpse of Jongin on TV by accident – he looks different somehow, as if his eyes are covered with something other than makeup.  
  
“So please explain the meaning of this song!” – a girl asks, her hair is long and very dark.  
  
“I would say it carries a deep meaning” – Jongin says looking at the girl and then at the camera shyly – “It’s about being vulnerable, but at the same time giving up yourself to vulnerability…trusting a solid person and hoping they will protect you”   
  
Girls scream. Jongin smirks. Kyungsoo endures and hour and a half of a silly music show with too many screaming girls just to see Kai perform the song. His hair seems much lighter than that night at the party, he’s wearing a variation of yet the same outfit, his makeup is dark.  
  
It’s almost a test to grab the phone and stare at the last chat he had with Jongin, on January 24 th – he closes it before he says something stupid.  
  
Kyungsoo misses him a lot. He wants to go back to being just his friend, to think about Jongin just as that funny friend he once had last spring and he curses he even brought sex up. His absence is like a lazy Sunday, one that drags all week and doesn’t let him act. Jongin disappeared – and it’s funny to think that none of his other friends text him often either, but the one that hurts is Jongin.

\- - -

  
“The new heart-throb of the nation…” – a woman says on the TV in the cafeteria, Baekhyun and Jongdae sit in front of Kyungsoo – “…And his new single keeps playing in every club of the country...”  
  
“Hey, isn’t that your Jongin?” – Jongdae points and it takes Kyungsoo by surprise. He flips his neck so quickly that Baekhyun raises a brow.  
  
“Where?” – he says.  
  
“On the TV” – the older mutters. The flat screen mixes images of the music video Kyungsoo knows by memory and some candid pictures of Jongin in parties, on the streets and in a recording studio.  
  
“Many of his past school mates have commented how he has matured into this sensual man– but some others declare that his personality is the same! He’s simply a sexy man by nature!” – the commenter screeches and the rest of her work partners laugh, it feels fake and forced.  
  
“Did he feel like a sexy man back then?” – Jongdae leans on Baekhyun with a frown on his forehead.  
  
“I was too drunk that time I met him” – Baekhyun says – “What do you say, Kyungsoo? Was he always the sexy type?”  
  
Kyungsoo groans and rolls his eyes, he hasn’t said anything about Jongin or how their relationship apparently ended abruptly. The two older men take their eyes to the TV once again.  
  
“Kai has been involved with singer Hyeri lately!” – another woman giggles – “They have been seen together outside of night clubs. And they are the same age but from different companies, so this can be a Romeo and Juliet sort of situation!”  
  
“What? How is that like Romeo and Juliet?” – Jongdae says loudly.  
  
“But wait, is that his beard?” – Baekhyun interrupts and looks at Kyungsoo once again – “Is that fake?”  
  
Kyungsoo turns around, he feels like his cheeks are burning…  
  
“Wouldn’t know…I haven’t talked to him for a while” – he mutters and drinks the rest of his lemonade with big gulps. The other two exchange looks.  
  
“You broke up?” – Baekhyun asks quietly.  
  
“We weren’t dating” – Kyungsoo cuts.  
  
“But…you were close, weren’t you?”  
  
Kyungsoo shrugs seemingly indifferent and Baekhyun gets it. He doesn’t talk about it anymore and Kyungsoo is thankful. He pushes the images of Jongin having fun on some night club with a bunch of other people, with that girl, way to the back of his mind. It’s the hardest thing he can do at the moment – it’s fresh, it stings like a new burn on the stove. If Jongin was so busy, so much that he can’t give Kyungsoo a call; how could he go to night clubs and have dates with a girl?  
  
Kyungsoo appreciates once the TV show goes to a commercial break and Jongdae changes the subject rapidly.  
  


\- - -

  
Baekhyun calls Kyungsoo the following Friday, it’s strange how his friend stutters a greeting and goes in circles, asking the same questions over and over. Comprehension arrives once Baekhyun asks something bluntly.  
  
“What are you doing on Valentine’s day?” – he says.  
  
“Why?” – is all Kyungsoo can say back as he taps his pen on the desk.  
  
“Well, I was wondering…Are you going to be alone?”  
  
“What? What the fuck–“  
  
“Hey, watch the language” – Baekhyun speaks – “I’ve got someone asking for your number, okay?”  
  
Kyungsoo stops, his eyes travel the room but he’s not really taking in the pale wallpaper in his blue office – does he want to be with anyone else at the moment?  
  
“Are you still there?”  
  
“I’m– not sure, Baek” – he begins, rolling the chair in circles – “I don’t– I don’t think I’m up to it”  
  
“You don’t even want to ask who is it?” – Baekhyun says.  
  
“Well I– do I know them?”  
  
“Remember Park Chanyeol?” – the name rings a bell and he screws his mind to match a face with it, suddenly he remembers a roaring of laughter.  
  
“Oh” – he mutters – “The guy who was in Sehun’s Christmas party?”  
  
“Yep, that same one. Do I give him your number?” – he says.  
  
“I didn’t say a word to him that day, he seriously asked it?” – Kyungsoo spins once again on his chair.  
  
“Well…I might be bringing you up in every conversation I have with him but– before you freak out!” – Baekhyun defends – “I think you could use going out with someone, just a date, just hang out with other people. Get to forget about Kim Jongin.”  
  
_Kim Jongin –_ it sounds formal and like it was someone distant from their life – _he is, Kyungsoo._  
  
Kyungsoo spins twice on his office chair, thinking back on how he acted that night on Christmas, Park Chanyeol still wanted to talk to him after that? Kyungsoo hums for Baekhyun to wait and after a few seconds and basically out of spite, because he could use the distraction, he says yes.  
  
“Give him my number and tell him I _am_ free on Valentine’s Day” – Kyungsoo says – “But if he’s a weirdo and it’s a disaster I’ll fuck _you_ up”  

\- - -

  
A very awkward phone conversation takes Kyungsoo by surprise the following night, Park Chanyeol’s voice is deep – almost three stories down – and he seems to be nervous about asking Kyungsoo for a simple afternoon walk on Sunday. He agrees, because it was too late to chicken out now – he has Jongin’s face stuck in his brain as he scribbles an address on a nearby paper. Kyungsoo slumps on the mattress Jongin lay with him so many times, wondering how he could drift apart just like that, like a train or like something that expired, their relationship simply ended because maybe that’s just how it had to be.  
  
The phone beeps once again and he wonders if Chanyeol forgot to ask for something else but when he takes a glance at the screen, Kyungsoo stops breathing. It’s almost as if fate is mocking him, the entire universe laughs as he grabs the phone and swipes to answer the incoming call.  
  
“Hi.” – Jongin says, his surroundings are in silence, maybe he’s on an empty studio or…Kyungsoo hopes, at home – “How are you?”  
  
“Fine” – Kyungsoo tells – “And you?”  
  
It’s almost a shy answer, Jongin speaks softly and politely, not like the way they used to.  
  
“What have you been up to?” – Jongin says.  
  
“Not much…I don’t do much anyways” – he chuckles – “Just classes and work…you’ve been busy I heard, how is that celebrity life treating you?”  
  
Jongin laughs – “Is not bad. A lot of work but it pays off. I moved.”  
  
“Really? Where?” – Kyungsoo asks quickly, exposing just how much he had anticipated a conversation with him.  
  
“Gangnam district…it’s not that different from my old place, but its better” – Jongin tells him – “You should come”  
  
Kyungsoo snorts – “I’m a little busy” – which is a lie, but he won’t give in so easily.  
  
“Oh, I didn’t mean now!” – he answers – “I mean I’m home right now but– you know, just an open invitation.”  
  
His words fall and Kyungsoo stays silent. He will give in, he knows it with every breathe Jongin takes at the other line.  
  
“I’m sorry I didn’t call you sooner…” – the younger starts – “I’ve been busy, really busy, but it’s a different kind of busy– I don’t even know if you want to know this.”  
  
“I do” – Kyungsoo mutters and he closes his eyes, it takes all his self control to not tell Jongin everything he has thought about in the last three weeks.  
  
“Oh…well…”  
  
It’s an hour long conversation that gives Kyungsoo an insight of the life of a pop idol, from the back-stages and the other celebrities Jongin has met to the drugs he has been offered in night clubs – the word snaps something in Kyungsoo’s mind once it comes up.  
  
“I saw…” – he drags the words – “I saw on TV you were…hanging out a lot with a girl?”  
  
Jongin laughs loudly – “You mean Hyeri? Yeah, she’s a friend, we met in November actually, but just now they notice we hang, it’s just publicity” – and he brushes it up so fast and so easily that it lifts a weight from Kyungsoo’s stomach, he giggles as well.  
  
“I thought–never mind” – he begins but gets scared.  
  
“Kyungsoo, I’d like to see you” – Jongin says. Kyungsoo wants to say “you too”, but he just clasps a hand over his mouth with closed eyes – “We haven’t seeing each other in a month but it feels like a lifetime”  
  
Kyungsoo nods with his eyes shut together and imagines Jongin’s mouth pecking his chest and stomach, his hands touching each millimeter of his skin – “Why don’t we– tomorrow is Valentine’s Day!” – the younger says – “and I’m free of schedule, we could…”  
  
“I have a date tomorrow” – it escapes his lips as if he was communicating the time, he doesn’t understand why. Jongin makes incomprehensible sounds – “But– we could see each other”  
  
Jongin fumbles on the end of the receiver, probably bed sheets – “You have a date?”  
  
“Yeah, but it’s not important…I want to see you too, Jongin. I’d like to talk to you for a longer while”  
  
Jongin’s laugh is sweet and soft – “Let’s have a talk tomorrow”  
  
Kyungsoo bangs his head on the elevator wall on the way down to the street the next afternoon, he barely ate anything and he left a couple of projects unfinished. He’s nervous, partly because he will have (practically) a blind date, but also because he will meet Jongin and the conditions are…different, if he can even say it like that. He zips his jacket all the way to his neck once he begins to walk to the park; there are many people outside even if it’s a cold Sunday, a perfect day to stay inside.   
  
Is almost like he wants to ditch Chanyeol from the moment he sees him coming closer to the park, his legs are longer than he remembered and its uncomfortable to look up all the time as the taller tells story after story of how he likes winter so much – he laughs more than necessary, in Kyungsoo’s opinion, and he interrupts the little times Kyungsoo manages to have a comment. It’s uncomfortable when they sit on a cold iron bench and watch couples walk by hand-in-hand, Kyungsoo has no interests or anecdotes to share but that doesn’t stop Chanyeol from talking about the movie he watched the night before.  
  
It’s a failure but Chanyeol leaves with a promise to do it again, Kyungsoo doesn’t understand what could have gone right to make him say that. He texts Jongin once Chanyeol is out of sight, and he starts to walk in circles in the middle of the park until he gets a response from him.  
  
“Hey” – Jongin says maybe twenty minutes later, he playfully nudges Kyungsoo on the arm. Jongin is wearing a thick knitted beanie, a face mask and dark shades, even if the sky is turning a deep blue shade – “How was the date?”  
  
Kyungsoo can’t tell what he means with that, he can’t see his eyes nor if there’s a smirk underneath the mask – “Can’t you take that off?” – the older asks looking up.  
  
He hears a muffled chuckle and Jongin carefully looks at their surroundings – “There’s a lot of people…Let’s go to some other place” – and he picks a tiny piece of Kyungsoo’s jacket to make him follow him. They don’t speak for a while, and Jongin walks with his face down, looking at the ground almost at all times. They reach a café and it’s quite, there are couples everywhere and the scent is strong, inebriate, he can’t say he likes it. Nobody seems to notice they are inside and that is when Jongin removes his mask, glasses and hat.  
  
Both sit on a circular table that can’t be bigger than Kyungsoo’s bedside table, it has one single maroon colored menu and they only sell drinks – “What would you want?” – the younger asks, running his eyes through the different options – “There’s hot choco, would you like some?” – Kyungsoo only nods – _Is this another date?_  
  
“You can’t go out without that now?” – Kyungsoo speaks once he’s halfway on his beverage. Jongin chuckles once again.  
  
“I could. But sometimes people gather around me, and the more people notice the more difficult it is to brush them off” – he explains – “I was delighted the first couple of days, but now I can’t even walk into the grocery store. Most people only want to say hi and take a picture, but if I begin to take a picture with everyone…I’d stay there all night” – he smiles and Kyungsoo intends to imitate him.  
  
“So you _have_ been really busy?” – the older points – “Is it what you wanted?”  
  
Jongin looks up, his eyes look tired, his eye-bags stand out and his lips are chapped, he gives another smile as his face falls just slightly – “It is…and it’s not”  
  
Kyungsoo waits for Jongin to elaborate but he remains quiet, the meeting flows carefully, sliding through light – and empty – topics. Jongin seems extremely curious about Chanyeol, bringing him up three times through the night and it’s not that Kyungsoo is embarrassed; he just has nothing to say about it.   
  
“No, I’ll pay” – Jongin pushes delicately Kyungsoo’s offering hand – “I asked you, didn’t I?”  
  
Before they are out on the chilly street once again, Jongin puts back his hat, glasses and mask – Kyungsoo snorts but he feels a little sorry for him. The question he asked previously remains fresh in his mind and he aches to know Jongin’s answer – is it what he wanted?  
  
“Do you– do you have to go back?” – Jongin speaks as his steps resound on the concrete – “Can you stay with me for a while?”  
Kyungsoo nods and in a rush of the moment, he locks his arm around Jongin’s. Expecting to see his answer he looks up, but he just notices how Jongin seems to relax under his touch.  
  
“Here it is” – Jongin speaks as they reach a wide lobby, it’s covered in light marble and dark wood, everything shines under too many lights – “I live here now”  
  
Its fancier of what Kyungsoo had expected; there’s a collection of leather couches and it looks more like a hotel than an apartment building. The elevator is twice the size of Kyungsoo’s bathroom.  
  
On floor 22 the elevator stops and the second door to the left is Jongin’s place. It’s actually small, because the lobby gave Kyungsoo false expectations, but the marble floors, the flat screen and the leather couch proves that it’s an expensive place. It’s a loft and Jongin’s bedroom is up a set of short steps.  
  
“What do you say?” – Jongin asks as he removes all his garment pieces almost on a lazy matter; they are scrambled on the couch next to a blanket and a bathroom robe, Jongin is only left with jeans and a grey pullover.  
  
“It’s very…nice” – Kyungsoo says, it takes a few seconds to notice that Jongin’s belongings are still on a pair of boxes down a corner, there’s no sign of DVDs or comic books; the only decoration are beer bottles and plastic bags.  
  
“It’s very messy, I know” – Jongin explains, trying to scramble some space on the couch – “But I don’t have time– or to be honest I don’t feel like cleaning”  
  
Kyungsoo snorts and takes tentative steps around the living space – “I like it, it’s just– it feels like a hotel…”  
  
“Yeah– I don’t spend that much time here” – he says – “I leave before dawn and I get here almost past midnight”  
  
“Aren’t you tired…all the time?”  
  
Jongin nods his head and folds his legs over the couch – “I am, very but– this is what I wanted, wasn’t it? I wanted to dance for people, I wanted to have a name and be recognized…this is just what I have to do”  
  
His back bends and his head hangs low, his eyes travel from Kyungsoo’s legs to his face and then he gives him a tender smile – “I’m glad you’re here. I’ve missed you”  
  
Kyungsoo doesn’t answer but he walks to the spot next to Jongin, removing his jacket and playing with the locks of a much thicker hair, now that it has gone through a few dye jobs.     
  
“I can stay here with you” – he says as Jongin leans his head and touches Kyungsoo’s hand with his lips, he just does this as if it was out of routine, even if they haven’t been intimate for over a month. He keeps looking into Kyungsoo’s eyes and his heart beats faster, this is what he longed and craved every night, it’s sitting in front of him and in matter of seconds Jongin kisses the length of Kyungsoo’s arm until he reaches his neck, sucking hard on that spot that always belongs to him, nearby his collarbone.  
  
Jongin’s hands locate the hem of Kyungsoo’s dark t-shirt and raises it over his head, interlocking their lips afterwards and is like he can finally take a breath, inhale chocolate and everything that Jongin is, his tongue meets Jongin’s and it tastes like reassurance and something that he can only think as perfection.  
  
“Would you like it here or on the bed?” – Jongin speaks breathlessly and after minutes of simply drowning in Kyungsoo’s mouth.  
  
“I don’t care” – he mutters and pulls Jongin to join him once again because even a second apart is pain, like missing something that should stay with him forever. The kiss evolves into grinding in between thick clothing pieces, in which after too long, Jongin roughly unbuckles Kyungsoo’s pants and removes them in one quick go and just starts touching him obscenely and has Kyungsoo panting way too quickly.  
  
“Come for me” – the younger says – “Come in my hands, I want to see you”  
  
Kyungsoo repeats curse after curse and the sight of Jongin’s mouth lingering on top of his is enough to have him spilling on his stomach.  
  
It will take some time, but he doesn’t want to let go of Jongin just yet, he starts kissing him slowly and he gasps when Jongin touches the tip of his dick playfully. Kyungsoo kisses the smirk Jongin draws – “I’m still sensitive…”  
  
Jongin trails with a finger a path from Kyungsoo’s bellybutton to his chest, smudging the still fresh cum stains, Kyungsoo knows what he’ll do next. Jongin sucks his finger, dirty and looking straight at Kyungsoo.  
  
“Fuck that’s so hot” – Kyungsoo can’t contain himself, he grabs Jongin’s wrist and sucks that same finger.  
  
Kyungsoo pushes Jongin to rest on the couch as he places his head in between his legs, pants long gone, and he grabs the thick erection resting on his stomach – Jongin gives a heavy moan, one that shows how much he has been holding in the last minutes. Kyungsoo licks and pumps and Jongin expresses how long it has been since their last time, Kyungsoo swallows the length with deep thrusts, almost touches the back of his mouth but he wants to have more, he wants nothing but Jongin’s screams invading that apartment.  
  
Jongin shivers once his orgasm is near, he interlocks his fingers in Kyungsoo’s hair to push him in and out – the other spreads his legs apart – the moans don’t rest. Jongin gives moans of pleasure once he’s coming and splattering in Kyungsoo’s face.  
  
Jongin wipes his own mess with his tongue, licking part of Kyungsoo’s cheeks and mouth – it’s dirty and obscene but Kyungsoo is so eager with pleasure he lets himself go and starts pumping his growing erection, he wants to feel Jongin is his for a longer time. The younger notices and grabs Kyungsoo’s hand, wrapping their fingers together and kissing him deeply.  
  
“Fuck me, Jongin” – he says in between a kiss and a lick and Jongin gets up, pulling him to the stairs and onto a wide bed. They continue kissing with their hands interlocked, legs wrapped and their dicks touch momentarily.  
  
“I need time” – Jongin says shyly and puts Kyungsoo’s hand on his own waist. Kyungsoo doesn’t mind, he could remain kissing Jongin for as long as the world continues spinning, it feels like it’s the only place he belongs – “Give me a second” – Jongin says again and Kyungsoo peppers his lips on his neck and collarbones, it appears Jongin has lost weight, he didn’t remember him so bony.  
  
“I want you so bad, Jongin” – he mutters.  
  
Jongin groans underneath his touch and he feels his hand search for his dick, he strokes it twice and then he locates Kyungsoo’s mouth on his own, indicating that it’s about to happen.  
  
Sensing Jongin inside of him is pure pleasure, like drinking a glass of water after a long summer walk, it’s everything he wanted and it fills him up with something, he feels contented just by having each crash of skin on skin. Their moans are combined and Jongin’s sweat droplets are shining under his light colored bangs, their chests touch and Jongin kisses him roughly and messy.  
  
“Go harder” – Kyungsoo says and Jongin begins to push like he never has, he supports on the mattress and rocks his hips with so much force that Kyungsoo only begs for it to last forever, he whines loudly but Jongin doesn’t stop until they are both groaning to release everything they have.  
  
The fall is slow and it drags to soft moans in which Jongin circles his hips for the last remaining of pleasure inside of him. Kyungsoo pants his breaths and wipes his forehead of sweat, his hair wet and sticking to his eyes. He doesn’t move and Jongin rests on his side, breathing just as hard and emanating so much heat it can turn Kyungsoo on once again.  
  
This is probably the best sex he has had in all his life.  
  
They don’t say anything and Jongin circles his arm around Kyungsoo’s waist, pulling him close and breathing on his scent. It can be hours or it can be minutes, they remain still and Kyungsoo wants it to be like that always, for him to come home to the sweet warmness that Jongin provides, to his laugh and his hands. Suddenly, it clicks; what he’s feeling and what he wants, it makes him feel uneasy so quickly.  
  
The calmness he felt just a couple of minutes ago goes away when a word pops in his mind, like turning off a candle, his world flips upside down – _I’m in love with him._  
  
  
“Jongin I’m–“ – Kyungsoo speaks minutes later as he sits on a side of the bed. The knot in his throat makes it difficult to say more – “I want to– remember that night in December I asked if we could be– Jongin, I want us to be together.”  
  
The younger turns and finishes putting on his boxers; he frowns a little bit and sits back on the bed. He’s mute. Kyungsoo regrets saying anything at all.  
  
“Kyungsoo…” – Jongin bites on his bottom lip – “I don’t know…”  
  
It’s obvious what comes next but he’s not prepared.  
  
“I don’t know if it would work.” – Jongin states – “We are just–“  
  
Kyungsoo interrupts with a snort – “Just business?”  
  
Jongin frowns – “No! Don’t say that!”  
  
“But you can’t see yourself with me?” – Kyungsoo says.  
  
“It’s not that, I just think we are better as friends” – Jongin looks at the floor and plays with his fingers. Kyungsoo twists the blanket that is now wrinkled and dirty.  
  
“Do you still see me as only your friend?” – he asks so low he’s not sure Jongin heard – “I’m just that?”  
  
Jongin puts an obvious amount of tension on his shoulders as he looks up again.  
  
“I’m really busy Kyungsoo, you know that. And we agreed this was going to be just– we said it’d be just sex, Kyungsoo!” – he says louder and gets up, throwing a sweater over his shoulders – “Do you have feelings for me?”  
  
Kyungsoo’s chest is heavy, it’s like that time a kid threw a ball directly at him on the 4 th grade, is a pain that can choke him but he doesn’t faint, he’s still awake.  
  
Kyungsoo doesn’t answer that question.  
  
“So all the things you’ve said in the past…it was just that? Words?” – Kyungsoo points out, getting up and walking down the stairs.  
  
“What things?” – Jongin follows his steps.  
  
“Oh I don’t know! That you wanted to see me, that you missed me, that you like my voice over the phone, how your best New Years has been the one you spent the night fucking me!” – Kyungsoo spits.  
  
“I wasn’t lying!”   
  
“So? Which one is it?”  
  
“What about you, then?” – Jongin says – “You had a date a few hours ago! What was that about? You say you want to be with me but it doesn’t look like it”  
  
“I thought you were out of my life!” – the older says putting on his shirt – “You seemed pretty happy on those pictures with Hyeri, or whatever her name is”  
  
“I fucking told you, she’s not– Fuck, Kyungsoo, this is why we made a deal, wasn’t it?” – Jongin stands in the middle of Kyungsoo’s way and faces him – “We agreed it was casual and physical, nothing else but a good fuck.”  
  
“I know!” – Kyungsoo yells and he won’t hold it for longer – “I know and yet I fell in love with you!”  
  
Jongin freezes, he blinks once – twice, Kyungsoo thinks he won’t be able to breathe until Jongin says something.  
  
“You’re– in love?” – Jongin asks, barely audible and his face just shows outer surprise. It’s fear, and he takes a step towards Kyungsoo.  
  
“And I’m sorry I am” – Kyungsoo manages to speak – “I fucked up”  
  
He’s a hurricane, taking clothe piece after another – he can’t look at Jongin’s face anymore.  
  
“Hold on” – Jongin says, trying to walk closer but Kyungsoo is smaller and quicker – “Kyungsoo, wait, I–“  
  
“It doesn’t matter, just let me go” – Kyungsoo mutters, stumbling with Jongin’s shoulder. His face is red and he wouldn’t care to walk in the winter night, his jacket can stay in Jongin’s expensive apartment.  
  
“Yes, it does, just wait– we can”  
  
“We can’t, it’s clear” – Kyungsoo mouths as he places one shoe on his foot – “You’re just an asshole who cares only of his career and his pretty face and a _good fuck_. I can’t even believe we went this far I– I’m so sorry I didn’t listen to the deal” – he means it.  
  
“What are you saying?” – Jongin holds on his arm – “Shut up for a second, will you?”  
  
“Fucking let go of me” – Kyungsoo says and his voice caries venom, he doesn’t want to be close to Jongin anymore, never again. Jongin doesn’t listen and just squeezes harder – “Fuck you”  
  
“You can curse all you want, I won’t let you go” – Jongin almost smirks.  
  
“Is this what you fucking want? Want to fuck me one more time? Want to make fun of me and then go to your pretty company and fuck someone else?” – Jongin frowns with each word, his fingers sink on Kyungsoo’s arm – “Let me go, fucking asshole”  
  
Jongin stares at Kyungsoo, inspecting his look of extreme anger and he hopes he can’t sense how his heart is shattering inside. Jongin moves his eyes all over his face, like he’s thinking of an insult or something more hurtful, but he lets go. Kyungsoo turns the doorknob and lets the wooden door slam with all the force he has. 

\- - - 

Kyungsoo doesn’t sleep at all that Sunday night; he swims on the ache that being rejected for the first time – by his best friend – caused, and he loathes it. It’s not only pain but anger because he knows he could have avoided all of this months ago, he was just too naïve and stubborn to stop himself. For how long he knew he was falling in love with Jongin? How many people warned him? Anyone could have said that what he was doing was stupid, like playing with a snake; it’s your fault if it bites you.  
  
His phone beeps and buzzes, he doesn’t care who is calling.   
  
He showers and intends to incinerate his skin, all the spots Jongin touched and kissed, even his insides feel improper. He doesn’t want to remember how it felt to be one for a moment, he doesn’t want to remember all the pretty things Jongin said and did, it wasn’t real.  
  
The worst is how he can’t manage to shed a tear; he’s just trapped on feeling like a suffocating man. Kyungsoo thinks he will never forget that night and how it dragged his pain, how he wants to hurt Jongin in so many ways but the fantasies just bring yet more pain, because he’s just so in love with him. Love causes him to punch walls continuously until his hand is swollen.  
  
The sun can’t rise faster and he dresses as if nothing happen. It’s his last year in college and he won’t let an asshole screw that up for him as well.

\- - -

  
Being a robot is easier.  
  
Kyungsoo puts himself on autopilot and simply does what he has to, he doesn’t think or talk that much anyways – he does okay in school and that’s the only thing that matters. At nights he growls and punches things, those are the times he lets himself think and feel.  
  
He blocked a certain phone number but others keep calling him. Kyungsoo gets three emails a day and he even received a letter on Wednesday night – he threw it out. Jongin knocks on his door step when Kyungsoo has rejected over one hundred calls – he doesn’t open up.  
  
_You broke a promise_ – Kyungsoo thinks – _He’s not to blame, it was your fault –_ but his pride is bigger, he doesn’t want to have anything to do with Kim Jongin anymore, never again.  
  
He’s not sure how long it goes, how he manages to survive like a mannequin, always serious. Maybe he’s better like this. Jongin calls him one time from a new number and it’s just on a second that he recognizes his voice and hangs up. Park Chanyeol calls as well and it’s hard to pretend to be interested – he accepts another date out of spite.  
  
Being a robot is better, because time flies like nothing, like a mere second on a movie, there’s not much going on anymore and he likes it like that.  
  
It’s hard to pretend he doesn’t feel anything at all when Jongin’s songs play on the office radio or he sees his face on TV and billboards, he’s like an epidemic and Kyungsoo was the first person to be affected – he breathes deep and intends for the pain to go away.  
  
It doesn’t, but it was worth the shot.

\- - -

  
“I won’t go, Baekhyun” – Kyungsoo doesn’t stop walking; he hears hurried steps behind him.  
  
“Why not?” – Baekhyun pleads on his right shoulder.  
  
“Because I don’t want to” – he answers simply and holds the straps of his backpack – “I want to sleep for once”  
  
As his last semester will begin, he wants to rest. Sleep is a strange territory he’s starting to meet once again, he goes to the depths of dreamland wishing he will get to rest and forget about his life for once.   
  
“You can sleep on Sunday!” – Baekhyun says and Kyungsoo rolls his eyes – “Chanyeol told me he’ll go, and I’m sure he’d want to go with you!”  
  
Kyungsoo tries not to snort. Chanyeol will not make him change his mind. Even if they have been dating for almost a month, he doesn’t feel any differently about him – he’s nice and once you get used to his features he's not bad to look at, he has heard Chanyeol call him his boyfriend in front of others and there’s a sting of guilt when he closes his eyes to receive good night kisses after each date. It’s nothing like _him_ , but his mind still travels to bronze skin and warm embraces.  
  
“Do you know when this band will be back to Korea?” – Baekhyun asks once Kyungsoo doesn’t have another answer besides ‘no’ – “Never!”  
  
“Oh please” – he says – “They will be back next year, and the year after that…and even so, I don’t like their music, anyway”  
  
Baekhyun gasps as if he was offended by the comment – “You do! You have that song on your Ipod…”  
  
“Why do you give a fuck if I go or not?”  
  
“Shit fine, Chanyeol told me to convince you” – Kyungsoo frowns – “He really wants to go out with you, since you always refuse”  
  
“And he sent _you_? That’d convince me” – he says sarcastically – “I really hate clubbing, Baekhyun, I’m not up for it”  
  
Baekhyun stops on his tracks and Kyungsoo turns around, his shirt flying with the strong wind of the afternoon – “You’ve got to snap out of it” – the older says.  
  
“Snap out of what?” – he frowns.  
  
“Dude, you’ve been a fucking zombie for weeks! And it’s not fun anymore” – he explains, beginning to walk once again, Kyungsoo follows – “I try! We try! But shit, its hard!”  
  
Kyungsoo swallows and folds the front of his cap so it can cover his eyes – “I don’t know what the fuck happened to you, and I’ve told you that if you want to talk I’m here but– come on, you can’t shut yourself down!”  
  
Kyungsoo debates, because staying silent and avoiding contact means that Baekhyun will push it, he will search and question until Kyungsoo snaps, until he reveals what he doesn’t want to expose, what he’s waiting to go away. Being a robot was easy but not as discreet as Kyungsoo thought, people noticed and he didn’t care because most left him alone, Baekhyun was one exception.  
  
“If I go would you shut up?” – Kyungsoo speaks as Baekhyun continues to point out how depressing it is to go to soccer matches next to him and having no one to comment as Jongdae, Minseok and Luhan score goals. The older nods with a smile on his face and he slaps a kiss on Kyungsoo’s cheek, he wipes and folds his cap deeper.  
  
“That was gross” 

\- - -

  
It’s loud – much louder than what he remembered his first night club to be like. Everything looks blue and purple and the floor is sticky. The music is slow but the bass makes everything vibrate. He feels Chanyeol’s hand on his shoulder, leading him to a table – he sees Baekhyun pass quickly to the bar area.  
  
“This is really diddf–“ – Chanyeol says on his ear but he doesn’t understand. He regrets agreeing to come since the moment the doorman stamped an X on his forearm and the music violated his ears, his head begins to hurt once people push him here and there on the dance floor – Chanyeol is a worse dancer than himself.  
  
An hour goes by and its ridiculous how Kyungsoo is waiting to hear a band that he doesn’t even like that much, he drinks whatever reaches the table and the stronger the better. There’s no space for conversation because all Chanyeol wants to do is make out with him and drink more beers, he lets him to see time fly.  
  
“Hey!” – he hears someone scream from the back and Baekhyun turns and laughs, he locates a mush of yellow hair on a tall male, they’re talking but it takes a few seconds for Kyungsoo to recognize Sehun, he’s wearing a light shirt and ripped jeans, his hair is messy but it fits him.  
  
“What’s up!” – he yells near Kyungsoo’s ear and touches his hand, they hadn’t seen each other in a very long while and the older is surprised to see his sudden change of image.  
  
“What happened to you!” – he screams near Sehun’s face and hopes he doesn’t have to repeat it.  
  
“I got signed!” – he beams – “SM!”  
  
Kyungsoo smiles genuinely, even if the mention of that company brings some bad memories, he knows that it has been Sehun’s dream since before they met in middle school.  
  
“I thought you would come with Jongin!” – Sehun yells and its like someone punches him on the chest – “I met him back there!”  
  
Kyungsoo only shakes his head and tries to form a smile, one that must look pathetic because Sehun’s face falls and frowns – “Did you fight again?” – he comes closer to his ear, still screaming so the question doesn’t get lost in all the yelling and the loud music.  
  
“Forget it!” – Kyungsoo says back – “Where is he, exactly?”  
  
Sehun stretches his neck and points to a booth, maybe ten meters away, Kyungsoo scans but he gets cold feet when he spots a man dancing, a head he recognizes just at first glance. He looks at Sehun again and makes a mental note to not put a foot around that area.  
  
Sehun stays for a little longer and then goes back from where he came from, Kyungsoo stays in his position at the table and as he drinks more shots a million of questions fly in his mind, from what can _he_ be doing there to who is he with, it doesn’t matter because he won’t find out.  
  
The night drags painfully slow, like a bad day, it’s a never-ending mix of screaming and bad smell – the only thing keeping him alert is the alcohol. He walks to the bathroom alone, pushing through sweaty bodies and daggering elbows until he spots someone slim and attractive, someone he knows way too well and he’s holding a skinny girl by the waist – she grinds her backside in his front and he puts his mouth on the knot between her long neck and shoulders. Kyungsoo is static, he can’t move, his eyes are all over Jongin and that girl, she seems to be on a trance and he enjoys it just as much.  
  
His recovering heart shatters in a million pieces, ripping and scarring an inside that burns with loathe, because if before he thought he hated Jongin, he was mistaken, the hatred he feels now is four hundred times worse.  
  
He’s disgusted. The fluorescence in the bathroom hurts his eyes as he walks to the sink and washes his face – he looks in the mirror and the flush tint on his cheeks seems ridiculous. Kyungsoo goes back and drinks a gulp of rum directly from the bottle, Chanyeol is distracted but Baekhyun takes it away from him.  
  
Getting drunk is what comes out right that night.  
  
People scream louder at a certain point near midnight and everyone starts pushing to the far end of the club, where so many lights point a slim feminine figure up on a stage, her hair is short and blue, her skin shines with glitter and sweat. Chanyeol grabs Kyungsoo’s hand and tries to take him with him, he gets up reluctantly and realizes he might have drank too much, the floor shakes and he has to hold harder on Chanyeol’s hand.  
  
A bass makes his ears almost explode and the woman starts singing – her voice is nice and Kyungsoo is perplexed by how she dances in front of the first row. He lost Baekhyun somewhere in the audience but he knows Chanyeol is on his right; Kyungsoo bops his head with the rhythm because getting lost in the woman’s voice is not hard. After three songs he turns to see Chanyeol but he’s not around, he doesn’t care. The next song starts and everyone seems to know the words by heart, people push him out of excitement and it’s suffocating – someone grabs his arm and drags him to a side of the mess.  
  
He assumes is Chanyeol so lets himself be handled to the end of the crowd, even if it’s strange because Chanyeol had not shut up about that band for the past two weeks. The figure next to him is not as tall, though, and he has the urge to see his face and it’s like an icy water bucket showering him from head to toe.  
  
It’s Jongin.  
  
“Can I fucking talk to you now?” – he comes closer and his eyes look aggressive. If Kyungsoo was sober he would leave, leave the club and go home, one minute next to Jongin is torture, is like having to relive a month worth of pain and depression, it’s not worth his sanity. The lights of the place turn from blue to magenta and red, Jongin’s hair shines and his makeup seems smudged because he had been sweating, his hold stays in Kyungsoo’s hand.   
  
“Let me go” – Kyungsoo speaks normally and it’s impossible for Jongin to listen as people continue to scream.  
  
“You came here with your boyfriend but you can’t even open your fucking apartment door and talk to _me?_ ” – he yells next to Kyungsoo’s ear, Jongin smells the same as always.  
  
“I don’t want to talk to you” – he answers, this time loud enough – “Let me go and let’s just leave it like this”  
  
“I won’t leave anything. We have a lot of shit to solve, fucking _look at me!_ ” – Jongin yells louder as Kyungsoo turns his head to find Baekhyun or Chanyeol, someone that can save him. Jongin’s eyes are intense and he looks so angry – “Do you know how _**fucked**_ you have made me?”  
  
“Me?” – Kyungsoo laughs maniacally – “Are you fucking serious? Go back and fuck that whore you were dancing with! It’ll make you feel better” – he spits – “You seemed happy, go on, and I hope you have a good _fucking_ time!”   
  
Kyungsoo emphasizes the curse with a hard pull, force comes from some place he didn’t know but he manages to disconnect himself from Jongin’s hold. He wants to walk out of the club but someone pushes Kyungsoo and grabs Jongin’s arm – it’s an older man, he’s wearing round spectacles and a greasy, stained shirt.  
  
“What are you doing?” – said man yells loud enough in Jongin’s ear – “People will see you! Who’s this?”  
  
He turns and looks at Kyungsoo as if he was a piece of shit on the sidewalk, something low and disgusting even if the man features are sweaty.  
  
“Is this the guy you’ve been crying about?” – he yells and Jongin tries to get away from his hold – “Get a grip! We have to go!”  
  
“I’m not fucking going until I talk to him!” – Jongin replies and scurries from the man’s arms to come near Kyungsoo, who seems glued to the floor.  
  
It happens quickly, but is something that makes Kyungsoo snap and explode. A fourth person comes to the group and he pushes Kyungsoo so roughly it makes him land on the dirty ground, he can’t feel pain but only rage as he hears screams – “WHO CARES! HE’S WORTH NOTHING LET’S GO!”  
  
“WHY THE FUCK DID YOU PUSH HIM?” – Jongin yells.  
  
“PEOPLE WILL SEE-“ “I DON’T GIVE A FUCK!” – that was Jongin again – “YOU’RE WORTH MORE THAN THIS” “THE MODEL IS WAITING AND WE’LL BRING MORE, JUST LEAVE THAT PATHETIC KID…”  
  
Kyungsoo stands up and locates his target – the dirty guy. He aims and strikes his white knuckles on the man’s cheek – he doesn’t feel a thing and that’s why he manages to run past an arm and hit two more blows on the same guy. It somehow makes him feel better, as if his pain and anger can go away if he can get more blood out of the guy’s eyes. Suddenly, someone holds him by the arms, even if he fights, kicks, sees red and blue that person doesn’t let go, he just needs to punch him some times more.  
  
His rage multiplies when someone knocks a blow on his face, making him spit blood. He’s trapped but suddenly the person holding him lets go. The music sounds like an echo, people continue to scream as Kyungsoo finds the one that did it and launches over him, using his right fist as a weapon, punching him with all the force he has. He feels hot on his back side and notices someone kicked him, he punches three times more. Someone picks him up.  
  
“WHAT THE FUCK!” – he hears a voice on his ear – “KYUNGSOO STOP! THEY’RE GOING TO THROW YOU OUT!”  
  
Someone else tries to get a hold of Kyungsoo but another person launches over that first someone, a hand pushes Kyungsoo and he stumbles out of the place and sees concerned faces, he spots the exit.  
  
“Don’t look up, stay behind me” – Kyungsoo recognizes Chanyeol’s voice – “Don’t look up or they’ll see the blood, come on”  
  
They walk fast through the exit and completely evade the four security guards that are trying to walk past the crowd to the spot where the fight took place – his head is spinning and the street is like another universe, so quiet and the breeze seems to awake his senses. He sees different faces, the air smells like oxide and his lips feel warm. Chanyeol pulls him by the arm and they walk for a couple of minutes – he can’t speak, he wonders what is happening to the two dudes or _Jongin._  
  
He stops and walks back.  
  
“What are you doing?” – Chanyeol calls – “You can’t go back there!”  
  
“I have to–“ – his voice is so raspy that he coughs, his back gives a throbbing pain and he stops coughing at once. He completely forgot that those guys were fighting Jongin first and what will they do to him now? Kyungsoo looks around and they’re on a street near the club, the music and the yelling is clear enough, he intends to walk to it when he sees the blurry figure of a man at the end of said street.  
  
Jongin hurries, he walks so fast and when they are just centimeters away Chanyeol steps between the two, pushing him roughly. Jongin has blood on his forehead and nose.  
  
“Fuck off, I want to talk to him” – Jongin says as if the push was a mere brush. Chanyeol doesn’t listen.  
  
“Look, just go, don’t fuck it up more” – he warns. Kyungsoo touches his arm.  
  
“Chanyeol, I’m fine…can you please–“ – he says – “I’m fine, I promise, you can go, I have to talk to him”  
  
He hesitates but is like he understands, he backs away, giving a glance to Jongin – the other smirks and winks, something so unnecessary that has Chanyeol raising his fist.  
  
“Chanyeol, leave!” – Kyungsoo yells – “Find Baekhyun, I don’t know!”  
  
The tallest leaves without saying anything else and Kyungsoo sighs to the night sky – his back giving a warning throb. What’s next?

What does he even say? What does he expect from this? Jongin sighs and paces the concrete street, his shoes are dirty and his white shirt is wrinkled, the blood from his nose drips to his mouth and he cleans it with the shirt – it gives a painful stain of crimson, Kyungsoo makes a face.  
  
The younger sits on the sidewalk and pulls a creased box out of his pocket – cigarettes.  
  
“Since when do you smoke?” – is what Kyungsoo asks out of nowhere and Jongin pulls the thing to his mouth, it angers Kyungsoo once he offers the box to him with a smile. He shakes his head and sits on the sidewalk as well. His senses wake up with every passing second and he notices how his hands are shaking, when he takes a glance, it’s a mess. There’s blood on each knuckle and the skin is turning a faint red. His arm is stained and cut in many different places; he doesn’t want to know how he’ll wake up the next morning.  
  
“Why are you bloody?” – Kyungsoo says. Jongin remembers and cleans his nose once again, his hand is bleeding too.  
  
“I started punching Boyeon – that was the fat guy – after he punched you” – he explains – “And his hand is pretty heavy”  
  
“And what happened to them?” – he asks.  
  
“Who knows” – Jongin shrugs and inhales the cigarette – “I came after you when I saw that dickhead taking you”  
  
Kyungsoo could start fighting because of the insult but he stays quiet, Jongin exhales and it draws a cloud over their heads.  
  
“I didn’t know you could fight” – Jongin says, impressed – “I don’t think Sunok will see with his left eye for sometime”  
  
And he chuckles, smoking once again. It’s like someone else is inside his body, since when was Jongin such masochist?  
  
“Who were they anyway?” – Kyungsoo asks.  
  
“My managers”  
  
“And you let me–?” – he gasps – “Why didn’t you stop me?”  
  
“Oh, I tried!” – Jongin explains – “I grabbed you and you kicked me…but I didn’t let go and when I finally held you, Boyeon punched you.”  
  
So that was the second guy, the one that pushed him to the ground – he was pretty huge.   
  
“So I said ‘fuck it’” – Jongin continues as if he was commenting a football match – “And I went for it…they bust my balls all the time, anyway.”  
  
So Jongin was the person that had held him to try and stop the fight and then let go to punch that other guy…for some reason he feels worse.  
  
“I’m ruined” – he sighs and pushes back, supporting on his arms and looking at the sky with a smile, it’s dark and starless – “How fast do you think they’ll cancel my contract?”  
  
His heart leaps – _people will see, we have to leave –_ They were right, after all.  
  
Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything back, his chest hurts, everything hurts. How could he lose control like that? He made a scene and screwed who knows how many lives. What would Chanyeol say? What would happen to those guy’s jobs? What’s going to happen to _them?_  
  
“You should have–“ – Kyungsoo mutters – “You should have let me go”  
  
Jongin laughs, loud and clear and someone must have kicked him as well because he hisses with pain.  
  
“We’re back at it again, huh?” – he mocks – “You sure are dumb”  
  
“Fuck you, Jongin” – Kyungsoo stands up and ignores the pain on his torso – “This is a mess, go back to your managers and–“  
  
Jongin laughs once again – “Do you think they want to see me? I fought them!”  
  
“Well, I don’t give a fuck what you do–“ – and he remembers the thing that made him nauseas - “Didn’t you bring a girlfriend? She can mend you and–“  
  
Jongin groans and stands up as well, throwing away his cigarette – “Shut the fuck up, Kyungsoo, let me fucking talk for one fucking time in your god-fucking-life” – he yells – “Why do you think I was fighting back there? Why do you think I pulled you out of the crowd? Why do you think I tried–“  
  
“I don’t care!” – Kyungsoo interrupts – “I don’t care why you did anything, you just like making me mad, don’t you? You like fucking with me, in more than one way!”  
  
“ _Shut up_ ” – he yells once again.  
  
“I can’t be around you, Jongin!” – Kyungsoo says – “You make me go mad! I can’t be in love with someone like you, I deserve someone that gives a fuck about–“  
  
“Do you think I don’t give a fuck?” – Jongin exasperates, walking to stand much closer – “I fucking _love you_ , Kyungsoo”  
  
Those words come out in rage, like a dagger going through Kyungsoo yet once again, he doesn’t believe it.  
  
“I’m here, all fucked up and I’ll probably lose my job…and do you think I care about that?” – he says – “I love you to bits and you don’t _shut up_!”  
  
“Why didn’t you say it–“  
  
“Sooner?” – he yells with his hands covering his face – “Fuck, I don’t know!”  
  
It doesn’t make sense and Kyungsoo frowns, his lip throbs, the blood must have dried up.  
  
Kyungsoo is in silence. If he wishes it enough, will he disappear? He wants to leave, but he knows that it won’t be so easy; he doesn’t want to continue listening to whatever Jongin is saying because it doesn’t make sense – it’s not real.  
  
Jongin crouches and covers his face once again, he breathes in and out so deeply it kind of looks like he’s…something different rises in Kyungsoo’s chest, it’s a different type of pain and something so deep it freezes him even more. Jongin is crying.  
  
“Do you know how hard this fucking life is?” – he gets up, giving his back at Kyungsoo, his voice is a little broken – “Do you know how much pain it causes? I’m a toy now, can’t you see? They tell me how to walk, talk and eat. Sometimes I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, when I can’t sleep I can’t think! And do you know what makes me think like a fucking mad man? _You_ ”  
  
“That was the shit that fucked me” – Jongin turns and points his bloody hand at Kyungsoo – “You fucking drove me to the edge, I couldn’t do anything right because I couldn’t stand you hated me!”  
  
“And aren’t you good at hiding?” – he laughs – “Even when I thought I could find you at your job or in between your classes you just disappeared!”  
  
_He went to my job? –_ Kyungsoo thinks.  
  
“You’re not making sense” – is what he responds.  
  
“I fucking know, Kyungsoo” – he says – “I know I’m not! I don’t make sense”  
  
“I don’t need to be here, then” – Kyungsoo says.  
  
“You’re not going to disappear again” – Jongin says – “I don’t want you to– I love–FUCK”  
  
He screams and crouches once again; it reminds Kyungsoo of a scared kid.  
  
“I’m tired” – Jongin mouths, still on the ground – “I want it to stop. The only good thing I had here were you and that doesn’t work either”  
  
The last words come in a whisper and carry so much pain it makes Kyungsoo take two steps ahead. He feels it, he feels the same pain that Jongin is feeling, because they are both to blame for their shitty situation – “Maybe it’s for the best, focus on your career and leave me alone.”  
  
“How do you say that?” – Jongin looks up, his eyes are red – “How can you be so quiet and then speak and fuck me up even more?”  
  
Kyungsoo opens his eyes wide.  
  
“You’re best at hurting me, aren’t you?” – Jongin stands up, his blood stains are dry.  
  
“Me?” – he whispers.  
  
“Back on Valentine’s day, you didn’t hesitate to say those things” – Jongin speaks – “And in there–“  
  
_He’s right_ – Kyungsoo thinks. He speaks and only aims to hurt him, but even so those words are nothing compared to what Jongin has done.   
  
“I can’t do this anymore” – Kyungsoo says – “And I mean it. I’m tired too, you know? Why bother anymore, Jongin? Is it worth it? We will always end up here, in a dark alley, cursing each other out.”  
  
Jongin looks at him and takes quick steps to reach his face with his fingers – “But we don’t mean it, Kyungsoo–“  
  
“It doesn’t matter, because it hurts anyway” – he answers and on a neighbor street, sirens go off – “I have to go…that’s the cops, if they find me–“  
  
“I’ll talk to them…” – Jongin says and indicates to walk back to the club but Kyungsoo won’t go with him.  
  
Jongin hesitates at first but he doesn’t fight or scream, only looks down and walks in the opposite direction after saying – “Promise me you won’t disappear of my life again”

\- - -

  
Kyungsoo’s ears buzz when he’s back at home close to 2:30 am. His body trembles and it feels like he’s literally dying. Throwing the keys onto the wooden table is like shattering glass on a cathedral, it resonates. The silence consumes his dizziness but awakes a headache. It feels like he’s living a nightmare once he’s inside the bathroom and spots his reflection on the mirror. Red and dried blood stains decorate his chin, his right eye is surrounded by a bruise that is turning purple, his bottom lip is dark and cut – his hair is messy and there’s something gooey on it.  
  
Kyungsoo’s presence is a reflection of how he feels inside, a disaster, bloody and cut.  
  
He tries his best to mend his swollen hand, cleaning the blood, cuts of glass and scratches on his forearms – a hot shower is heaven in hell, crawling on bed is like a déjà vu. He vividly relives the past month or so, with heavy thoughts, anger and tears that won’t come. This night is ten times worse because Kyungsoo has memorized Jongin’s words. He repeats them over and over until he’s sure they won’t make sense in any way. Jongin’s words are like the bruising on his torso, it doesn’t let him breathe or scream.  
  
Kyungsoo remains in bed all Sunday. His phone died many hours ago and he doesn’t bother getting up, he doesn’t care who might call. There’s no hunger or sleep, nothing seems important anymore. His body is on flames and he thinks is only right to feel like that – Jongin’s face haunts him, he said the words he had longed for so long, the words he thought would never come, Jongin said he loved him but it came with the price of realizing that they would simply never work. Jongin caused something on Kyungsoo and vice versa, they were no longer two different pieces of a magnet, they were something that could not be held close because everything surrounding would crash, break or explode.  
  
There’s shame, because how could he lose control like that? That wasn’t him.  
  
There’s rage because it was Jongin’s fault, he caused it.  
  
There’s guilt because it was his fault as well, he caused it from the beginning.  
  
That Sunday in the middle of March feels like a desert, so long, lonely and sad that he intends to sleep his sorrows as the sun sinks behind the buildings once again and gives space to a starry night – Kyunsoo has no plans of going to class or work the day after. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Jongin/Kai's MV concept is basically a mix of the pathcode teasers, call me baby era, taemin's ace concept, basically a bunch of sexy/mysterious concepts, hope I was clear enough ;;;


	3. Chapter 3

“So you had quite a night, huh?” – a man in a suit says as he sits in front of Kim Jongin at 10:00 am that Sunday. The man plays with a tablet, scrolling up and down; he carries a faint and distant smile as he does so – “That is why we don’t recommend idols to go around to parties and–“  
  
He continues on and on, Jongin doesn’t listen. The twenty two year old sits in a leather chair, his hair is messy, he has lost count of the aspirins he has taken and his right hand still throbs – it’s nothing compared to how he feels on the inside. His features are unreadable and that’s why the older man in front of him talks on a friendly way, it’s the first time they’ve ever had a meeting. It’s a superior but Jongin could not care less at the moment – the only thing he would like to do is crawl to his bed and let time pass.   
  
“Your managers have been dismissed, Jongin and for the time being–“   
  
“You fired them?” – he interrupts, suddenly having interest.  
  
“Don’t interrupt me” – he responds raising a hand, but still carrying a friendly smile on his face – “But yes, they have been fired…a few witnesses claim that even if the fourth person involved in the fight was the one that started it, your – past – managers where the ones being aggressive not only towards him but towards _you_ ” – he explains – “Adding to that, they were intoxicated” – the man says disapprovingly – “I’m surprised you never communicated anything to us, Jongin”   
  
It’s like a father scolding a son, he sounds disappointed and his smile quivers a little.  
  
“And are you not going to fire me?” – Jongin says, paying no mind to what the man is saying. He laughs; his small eyes close in a way that it seems that Jongin told a very funny joke.  
  
“Oh no!” – the older answers – “Damage control, Jongin! That’s what we have to do”  
  
Jongin frowns.  
  
“You’re a rising star, Jongin, one that is flying to the sky so fast that this little misunderstanding will not affect you or us in the most minimum” – the lie is so obvious that Jongin uses the little force he has to prevent a snort – “Luckily not many people saw what happened, and your name was barely in the police reports, so there’s no big problem to mend”   
  
Even if he said he didn’t care if he was in or out anymore, Jongin can’t lie, his mood lifts just slightly.   
  
“So what we’ll do is stay on the low for now, maybe book you one or two appearances here and there so you can talk about what happened and say how that fight started _out of nowhere” –_ he says, clenching his jaw – “The important thing is…that this does not happen again, Kim Jongin”   
  
He concludes with the same smile that doesn’t seem so friendly anymore.   
  
“Oh, and Jongin, please take care of those cuts and bruises” – he says as he gets up – “Some ice will do”   
  
Jongin bows and exits the place, avoiding contact with anyone on his way out – “Oh! Mr. Kim!” – The secretary calls after – “We will stay in touch to arrange your new managers”   
  
He doesn’t care.   
  
Without managers he can drive his new BMW to his apartment. The streets are slow and empty, it’s a Sunday and everyone must be at home. Jongin clutches the steering wheel, avoiding making that turn to a street that will lead him to Kyungsoo’s apartment. He has tried and he knows Kyungsoo is best at hiding. For now, he has come to the conclusion that they both need some space, even if he sucked at giving it to him.   
  
The coldness of the marble in his apartment is just a reminder of how lonely he feels, how painful it is to lay on a bed that Kyungsoo once touched – Jongin’s throat closes at the thought that he might never again touch, kiss or hug the one person that made him feel whole on the huge city of false dreams.  
  
For how long did he ignore it? For how long did he pretend that being next to Kyungsoo wasn’t what he needed all along? How easy used to be to know that if he gave a call, Kyungsoo would come at once…  
  
That first week after the fight is quiet; it’s the most quiet he has heard in _so long –_ because Jongin doesn’t even remember a time he wasn’t surrounded by people, music, deep bass and the pressure of being an idol. Damage control is actually a favor for Jongin, because at the moment, he doesn’t want to know anything about the life he once held, the drugs, alcohol, money and those five seconds of fame…it’s something so worthless now.   
  
Being locked up is both a favor and a curse.   
  
Jongin wished for long to not carry the mask of the smirking and sexy man, the mysterious dancer and the heart-throb that had to hold hands with one-too-many models. He wished to be able to cry and scream if he wanted to. Now as he lays half naked and half drunk, alone with his thoughts in an apartment that still doesn’t feel like it belongs to him, he realizes how it hurts. There’s no distraction. There’s no escape. Numbing the pain for so long only made him miserable in the present.  
  
He screwed up in more than one way; he missed his chance of true happiness out of silly juvenile fear. Jongin curls on his bed and tears fall, he doesn’t see a way out of the pit of sorrow and laments because even if the promise of “you won’t disappear out of my life again” lingered in the air between he and Kyungsoo the last night they saw each other, without a definite yes or no, it still seems terminal.   
  
Kyungsoo won’t want to be with him again.   
  
Jongin waits because is all he has left – time.   
  
Deep down, however, the only light is the hope that maybe, there’s a way to salvage what had become such a mess.

\- - -

Baby steps.  
  
It’s with baby steps that Kyungsoo opens the door and greets his two close friends, apologizing for how inconsiderate he was. His features are no longer repulsive and the pain in his back has almost gone away, it doesn’t mean he feels better. Being back to class is like he remembers, a mechanical task, there’s no room for feelings as his schedule is busy once again. He will graduate in three months.   
  
With baby steps Chanyeol talks to him again. It’s hard to explain the entire story of what happened that night at the club, though, and Kyungsoo thanks the fact that Chanyeol seems to bury the whole thing. They are still dating and Chanyeol’s kisses feel like always, like he will never be able to return them with meaning.   
  
Baby steps are what make Kyungsoo’s life get some type of meaning. At first he sees no improvement, but he knows that just like last time, he can get his mind to fog it out.   
  
Or at least he hopes.

~

  
A loud beeping wakes Jongin from his slumber, his head was sinking deeply on a pillow and he mentally curses not silencing his phone.   
  
“Hello, Jongin!” – a man speaks – “I need you to wake up and come to the studio”   
  
“Right now?” – he blinks rapidly to make his eyes accustomed to the light, it’s 6:30 am.  
  
“Yes, right now” – the other person says – “I’ll buy you a bagel, come on. And hurry”   
  
  
He hasn’t set a foot on that building for a few weeks; it’s strange after he had practically lived there – it brings back bad memories. Sungyeol, his new manager, is waiting at the lobby with four brown bags, two on each hand, and his phone in between his ear and neck. Jongin runs to grab some of them.   
  
Sungyeol is skinny and tall, he wears glasses and his hair is cut short. He’s always on a good mood and to be honest, he’s one of the reasons Jongin has attended the four appointments he’s had in the past days. Sungyeol arranges everything so Jongin is comfortable and makes sure no one asks more than what they have to, he’s close to his thirties and even if they have not met each other for long, he treats Jongin like a little brother.   
  
Jongin is not sure if it was his mood on the past months or because he thought it was normal, but the way Sungyeol treats him is a complete 180° turn to how his previous managers use to act towards him. The younger gives a short smile to Sungyeol once they’re at the elevator.  
  
“You’re in a good mood” – the older mutters, pushing back his glasses – “That’s the first time I see you smile genuinely”  
  
Jongin frowns slightly.   
  
“Oops, I take that back…you’re a sunshine, Kim Jongin” – he says and Jongin chuckles.   
  
“Why am I here?” – Jongin asks when the elevator door opens.  
  
“Are you not a singer?” – his tone is monotone, sarcastic – “I think I got the wrong idol, I’m really sorry”   
  
Jongin chuckles once again and only follows his manager. He was getting used to spending his time in bed and thinking about nothing and everything.  
  
“You’re going to be working with one of the trainees…”   
  
The word makes him look for memories of all the trainees he met and who could it be, but as Jongin goes through the door of a dance studio, a familiar voice greets them. It’s Sehun. Jongin smiles fully for the first time in a few months.   
  
  
Later that day, after starting a new choreography, practicing non-stop for hours and being filled in on a new collaboration, Sehun and Jongin walk to the parking lot together.   
  
“We think that it would attract a wider audience” – some of the big heads of SM said – “Your images would go well together, and since Kai is still new, he can introduce another _new_ figure”   
  
It was a something different and Jongin, honestly, is grateful. It’s like a small ray of sun in a rainy day, something that lasts very little but that warms the coldness inside his chest. Jongin underestimated what having friends meant, he was oblivious of having other relationships pre-Kyungsoo and pre-debut. Sehun brings back old memories of borrowed dance studios and hip hop choreographies they would arrange just for fun.   
  
Sehun was in part the one that had started it all.  
  
“So your birthday is coming soon” – Jongin says, with his hands inside his pockets.  
  
“Oh yea, speaking of that, I think I’ll have a reunion” – he answers – “Not exactly a party, but a few friends and some music, you know, nothing big”   
  
Jongin chuckles and is like that he finds himself ringing a door bell and hoping to see a particular round and pale face. The music is not as loud as he expected, and the apartment is much emptier in comparison of the last time he was there. Sehun greets him and Krystal – the same aspiring model that his friend has been dating for a year – kisses Jongin on the cheek with a pretty smile, her hair shines in black and it almost reaches her waist.   
  
Kyungsoo was not there the night of the 12th of April, and the hopes he had of seeing him make him sink in a leather couch, a frown on his features and the resignation of yet another failure. An hour or more goes by, the music is casual and slow, people whisper when they see him but simply ignore him after that.   
  
Jongin laughs when someone hugs him out of the blue.  
  
“I’VE MISSED YOU” – Taemin screams on the curve of his neck – “WHY DID YOU CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBER AND DIDN’T TELL ME?”   
  
The night is lighter from there, he drinks more beers now that Taemin is with him and when he turns his head on a certain moment, he thinks two guys by the balcony seem familiar.   
  
  
Plotting a new group was easy enough, having Sehun to reunite with him and his old classmates to comment on old, embarrassing memories and drink vodka shots was like child’s game. Byun Baekhyun – light brown hair, sleepy eyes, faint smile – and Kim Jongdae – dark hair and a jean jacket – sip and sip, spilling dirt on how Sehun wet his bed until he was 8. It’s like time has not passed, the balcony exposes the same skyscrapers and the laughs are the same that the previous year, only one person is missing.  
  
“Oh where _is_ Kyungsoo? I haven’t seen him” – Taemin says and the group goes quiet.   
  
“He couldn’t come” – Jongdae answers and gives a quick glimpse to Jongin, since Baekhyun was distracted by Taemin’s electric purple hair tips – “He’s been busy, college and stuff…”   
  
Jongin wants to ask more things, how is he? What has he been doing? _Does he miss me like I miss him?_  
  
“I haven’t seen him in a while” – Jongin says intending to be casual – “Has he been okay?”   
  
His heart hammers in his chest as he remembers Kyungsoo’s face, eyes and shiny dark hair, his slim, soft body on a Sunday morning walking only in boxers and a t-shirt, making him breakfast, his smile after Jongin has talked about his niece for yet another hour and how he used to caress his hair after sex – he wants to punch himself because the pain will surface.   
  
“He’s fine” – Baekhyun says in a raspy voice – “He got a haircut”   
  
“Is he graduating soon?” – he asks because he’s so eager. Jongdae stares at Jongin, squinting his eyes – “This was his last year…”   
  
Jongin stops drinking because Jongdae seems interested in how Jongin talks about Kyungsoo and he needs to _know_ , even if it’s the meaningless of details, he wants to know if the time he gave was enough.   
  
After Sehun’s head is pushed on the birthday cake and everyone says goodbye, Jongdae drags Jongin to a far end of the living room.   
  
“So this has to be quick” – he says, looking back – “Baekhyun will kill me for this but…you should give Kyungsoo a call”  
Jongin frowns.  
  
“I don’t know what the _fuck_ happened between you two” – Jongdae says – “But the kid is sad and every time someone reminds him of you he gets worse”   
  
Jongin’s heart sinks.  
  
“I don’t know what you did, and he won’t tell us, but you better apologize and fix it” – he says, pushing an accusing finger on his chest, exactly where it’s hurting so bad.   
  
“He won’t talk to me…” – Jongin mumbles, looking at Jongdae.  
  
“Oh, he will” – the other reassures – “I’ve known him for a long while and the way he talked about you was… _different._ I don’t think he would give you up like _-_ ”   
  
“Let’zz go, Jungdaeya!” – Baekhyun yells, his head resting on the front door frame.  
  
“No, but you don’t get it” – Jongin says – “I tried in the past and he managed to avoid me so well, I don’t know if he’ll–   
  
“Call him Saturday at seven sharp” – Jongdae says – “I’ll make sure he picks up”   
  


\- - -

  
“Jongdae, I’m– I’m really busy right now” – Kyungsoo speaks with his eyes glued to the computer screen as Jongdae opens his fridge and pours two glasses of coke – “I need to finish this, I can’t watch a movie”  
  
“Let’s play video games then” – the older says and jumps to the brown and worn couch on the small living area.  
  
“Don’t you have work? Don’t you have something better to do?” – Kyungsoo says and pushes his chair from the desk to prevent Jongdae to stain – more – his couch and floor with soda.   
  
“Relax, Kyungsoo” – Jongdae speaks – “You can work and I’ll just stay here”   
  
He smiles and it actually makes Kyungsoo more anxious, he hasn’t had company for so long – he tries to remember and the last person that was inside his apartment besides him was Jongin. He pushes the memories back, way back, somewhere it won’t disturb him until he goes to sleep – or maybe never again.   
  
“Do you want dinner?” – Jongdae says an hour later, when the sky is a dark blue.  
  
“Sure”  
  
“Is pizza okay?”   
  
“Yeah, whatever”   
  
Jongdae paces the floor of the apartment.  
  
“Can I use your phone?”   
  
“Why?”   
  
“Mine died”   
  
Kyungsoo tosses his Iphone without giving much of a second thought, and maybe after two minutes of silence, it goes off.   
  
“Hello, Kyungsoo’s phone, this is his secretary” – Jongdae says loud and clear, Kyungsoo rolls his eyes – “Ah yes, may I know who this is?”  
  
His voice is playful and if it’s from work he’s screwed, if it’s Chanyeol he doesn’t care and if it’s his mom he will have a laugh.   
  
“Here, Kyungsoo” – he puts the phone on his ear.  
  
“Hello?” – silence – “Hello?”   
  
“Kyungsoo” – someone says and he knows that voice too well, he blinks and there’s a hole inside his chest, something obscure and pressuring him, making it impossible to breathe – “Please don’t hang up”   
  
Jongdae holds the phone on his ears and Kyungsoo is incapable of speaking, he looks up and the other seems oblivious – “Just talk to him” – is what he says.  
  
The first week that went by without any sign of Jongin was relieving. As time went by he found himself wondering what happened and after days, he regrets never answering to “promise you won’t disappear of my life again” – did Jongin took it as a goodbye?   
  
It’s stupid because his mind is split between what he wants and what is logical, he can’t go back to fights on a night club and cursing Jongin every time he saw him but even so, there’s longing for the voice that can sound like honey.   
  
Kyungsoo clicks save on the file he was working on and takes that first phone call after a month and a half.   
  
“How are you?” – Jongin breathes and his voice shakes.  
  
“Fine” – he answers – “And you?”   
  
He thinks he sees Jongdae smirk before he sits back on the couch, he makes a call on his phone as well – _bastard._   
  
“I’m good” – Jongin answers and he exhales, long, it sounds like he’s relieved. Kyungsoo is tempted to do the same – “I don’t– I didn’t think you would take the call” – he chuckles and Kyungsoo is positive his face is a deep red; it feels like it’s on fire. It’s hard to laugh or to even think of something to answer back.   
  
“This– I hope this means you won’t block this number” – Jongin says – “And that I can talk to you every once in a while”   
Kyungsoo’s lips quiver as he gives a hoarse “yes” to the other line.

\- - -

 **[10:02 pm 10/07/2016] Jongin: Kyungsoo~~**  
 **[10:34 pm 10/07/2016] Kyungsoo: What**  
 **[10:37 pm 10/07/2016] Jongin: Kyungieya~~**  
 **[10:40 pm 10/07/2016] Kyungsoo: What do you want?**  
 **[10:40 pm 10/07/2016] Jongin: You**  
 **[10:45 pm 10/07/2016] Jongin: Where are you?**  
 **[10:49 pm 10/07/2016] Kyungsoo: Where would I be?**  
 **[11:08 pm 10/07/2016] Jongin: I assume that your house? Open up, I’m downstairs.**  
  
Kyungsoo sighs, his head rests in a fluffy pillow; he ponders answering, he ponders even opening the door, but it _has_ been a while after all. It’s been maybe 6 or 7 months since they saw each other and Jongin’s features seem a little foggy in his memory.   
  
Kyungsoo sighs once again and rolls out of bed, putting up on a pair of jeans and grabbing his keys. His heart starts beating quickly once the elevators doors close and the beeping of each floor has his mind rushing, regretting and sighing, all in the 1 minute ride from floor 14.   
  
It’s not because they haven’t want to meet after Jongin called him that April night, but it’s like a silent agreement that they should not rush it. The calls are scattered, but they are closer and closer to each other as days fly. With each one, it seems obvious how time is their best friend, wounds are healing and they have not fight one single time.  
  
“Hey” – he calls Jongin, light t-shirt defining his arm muscles and light-pink strains of hair decorate his forehead. Kyungsoo holds his breath once they look at each other, is almost like he expects to find Jongin with brown hair and his still bloody nose from that night in March… Jongin carries something with him, something wrapped in a white plastic – it looks like a shirt.  
  
 _Fuck_ – he thinks. His intention was not to automatically feel attracted to him, but as Jongin comes closer with one hand inside his jeans pocket and a small smirk on his face, Kyungsoo questions all the decisions he has made in the last six months.   
  
“How’ve you been?” – Jongin asks in the elevator, his voice husky and with scent of rum. Kyungsoo squints, has he been drinking?   
  
“Fine” – the older answers with a hint of a smile; the ride in the elevator is quiet and his heart is not calmed. Kyungsoo brushes his hair out of his forehead once they’re out of the confined space and is just in mere seconds that they are inside his apartment.   
  
“So…” – he says after a long while that Jongin didn’t say anything, he just paced in Kyungsoo’s living room, inspecting the kitchen and taking a few glances of the hall that connects with Kyungsoo’s bedroom – “What did you want?”  
  
“Can’t I come visit you?” – Jongin says coolly once he turns around and walks closer to Kyungsoo, who is sitting on the couch.   
  
“It’s eleven at night” – the older dead pans – “Were you bored?”   
  
Jongin giggles and shakes his head.   
  
“I brought you this” – he says, nudging the shirt, that is actually a jacket – “You left it in my apartment the last time you were there”   
  
His words echo. The last time he was there was on Valentine’s Day and he remembers it like – one – of the worst days of his life. He thought that jacket was lost forever.   
  
“How’s Chanyeol?” – Jongin says as Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything back. Kyungsoo remains still and practically expressionless, even if his heart beats with so much force. He has gotten enough practice.   
  
“Why do you care?”   
  
“Just making small talk, wondering where the boyfriend is…” – he drags the word boyfriend, releasing something close to a grin.  
  
“He’s not my boyfriend” – he shuts him down.  
  
“He’s not?” – Jongin retorts, moving his head to a side and raising a brow – “You’ve been dating for a while…”  
  
Kyungsoo’s chest takes a jump. Chanyeol and he were something strange – not as strange as he and Jongin – but it was something that lingered, something that felt forced and Kyungsoo always felt like a coward when they were together, taking shield in Chanyeol was easier than remaining lonely.   
  
They are currently only friends and he knows Chanyeol dates someone else.   
  
Jongin comes closer and his smirk grows with every thought Kyungsoo has. Were the previous months a joke? Jongin was back just to make fun of him? His breath of alcohol has Kyungsoo’s fingers curl into fists, his mouth is dry and he gets up from the small couch.   
  
“Look, Jongin I can tell you’re drunk, if you came just–“  
  
“Okay, Kyungsoo, I’m kidding…” – the younger smiles, taking one of Kyungsoo’s hands on his own; it takes him two seconds to brush it off. It sparks something in Jongin because his eyes go wide, his smirk falls and he backs off one step.   
  
“I came because…it’s been really long” – Jongin finally says, taking extreme care to pronounce all the words correctly, he nudges the brown couch as if asking permission to sit, Kyungsoo nods and the younger sinks – “I guess it _was_ a bad idea to come when I drank…”  
  
Kyungsoo snorts sarcastically.  
  
“But if I wasn’t a little drunk I would have never texted you that…or even come” – Jongin continues, his cheeks turning pinker – “I wanted to see you”   
  
It’s a soft murmur but it’s all it takes for Kyungsoo to melt, Jongin stares at his reaction and he smiles once again, it’s shy, careful, expectant, Kyungsoo missed his features so much it’s hurting to stay and contemplate - his throat locks up because he knows he’s not over Kim Jongin, even if six months have passed.  
  
“Jongin, let’s not–“ – Kyungsoo starts speaking, giving his back to Jongin – “Let’s not do this again”   
  
It probably doesn’t sound definite, his voice shakes and Kyungsoo himself is not even convinced, but there’s that ringing bell, something going off in Kyungsoo’s mind that tells him he should not go down that path again, he will fall, and to try and get up feels almost impossible.   
  
“That’s what I was dreading” – Jongin snickers and his expression is still warm, it just changes to something broken, something it hurts to watch – “I guess I’ll go”   
  
Jongin moves his hands up and down his thighs in a nervous manner before he gets up. The bell explodes – _you can’t do this either, you can’t let go –_ it screams, and fires up Kyungsoo’s brain and without thinking he grabs Jongin hand.   
  
“Don’t go” – the smaller says. Jongin turns his face and only stares at him, his expressions read confusion, but in a second he starts to rub circles with his thumb in Kyungsoo’s skin. Jongin turns his hand, arranges it so it fits and wraps with Kyungsoo’s.  
  
“Kyungsoo” – a whisper – “I need you”  
  
Jongin gives a small squeeze – “And it’s hard to try and mend what we did, and I know that I did wrong in so many ways. I’m so sorry. And I _tried_ , I tried to not feel like this, I tried with so much force I could have killed– but I need you, _I love you so much_ my entire being is aching to be with you and I can feel you still love me too because you’re squeezing my hand even harder”   
  
Kyungsoo lets go as if he was burning and starts to walk to the kitchen counter, Jongin frowns – “Jongin, I–I don’t know–“ – Kyungsoo stutters and covers his face with his hands.  
  
“Okay, answer me this” – Jongin says, leaning closer to Kyungsoo – “Why did you stop me? Why didn’t you let me leave?”   
  
Silence.  
  
“Kyungsoo…” – Jongin whispers and he reaches to touch Kyungsoo’s cheek – “I love you”  
  
Kyungsoo breathes heavily, shivering in the process, and even if Jongin can’t see his face, he realizes the older is crying. It’s like someone stops time, time drags for Kyungsoo because he tries to organize his thoughts – something that seems impossible.   
  
“I don’t know what to do” – Kyungsoo begins to speak and his voice breaks more than once – “I don’t know what to do anymore…we tried, didn’t we? I tried too, and I’m an idiot because nothing _worked_ ”   
  
It’s embarrassing for Kyungsoo, but after months of holding it in, he finally cries. His chest feels like it might explode as so many tears fall from his eyes. It’s even hard to breathe.  
  
“Everything I did these past six months was useless and I’m trying to think what to do but nothing makes sense!” – the older cries harder and Jongin remains by his side, he doesn’t dare to put a hand on his shoulder, he doesn’t want to cause more pain in Kyungsoo, even if it seems like he will break at any point.   
  
“Do you even know what you’re saying? Like what do you expect from this, Jongin? Do you realize how hard it is to stand here after my heart broke? My heart broke in a million pieces and more than once! And my head tells me to _run_ because it’ll be the same thing all over again, I’ll go back to you and I’ll only be your fuck buddy, I’ll be the same dude you just look for when you need company” – Kyungsoo sobs into his hands.   
  
“Kyungsoo, listen to me” – Jongin decides to speaks, touching his shoulder and moving Kyungsoo just slightly so they’re face to face. Kyungsoo doesn’t look at him, remains his eyes on the floor as more tears fall – “I know I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked us both. And the worst part is I don’t even know why…I was scared and an idiot and that cost me so much, I’m so sorry I made the person I love feel so much pain”   
  
There’s a moment of silence, Kyungsoo listens to Jongin’s heavy breathes and sniffs, he  must be crying as well.   
  
“I get why you hate me” – Jongin says – “I get why you fell out of love”   
  
Kyungsoo looks at him.  
  
“But…just know that I love you and that it _would_ be different this time around, believe me! I want to be with you and I don’t want us to be scared of it anymore.” – he says and waits.   
  
Kyungsoo snorts just slightly, drying his cheeks.  
  
“I don’t hate you” – Kyungsoo says and looks deep into Jongin’s eyes, dark and beautiful as always – “I could never hate you. You mean too much to me”   
  
Jongin dries his cheeks as well and waits.   
  
“Does it mean…?” – Jongin whispers, his eyes hesitate and there's hint of more tears.   
  
Kyungsoo comes closer to him, as slow as he can because he's not sure how all this will turn. Jongin, very carefully, raises his hand and caresses the skin in Kyungsoo's neck - is just what the other needs at the moment. They come closer to each other, there's no space between them anymore. Kyungsoo has his eyes closed and Jongin only contemplates. The clock ticks and Jongin leans his body, starts kissing Kyungsoo's forehead, so tenderly the other even feels it. Kyungsoo's heart hammers as Jongin kisses one of his cheeks and moves to be closer to his mouth; he kisses a corner of his lips and Kyungsoo shivers.   
  
The smaller wraps his hands behind Jongin's waist and raises his face, Jongin's eyes are filled with tears.  
  
"I love you so much, Kyungsoo" - he whispers, holding his face - "I missed you. You mean the world to me."   
  
Kyungsoo can't help but to cry once again, his tears fall for long and Jongin holds him in his arms.   
  
“I love you, Jongin...” - Kyungsoo admits – “so much…”  
  
Jongin looks directly at his eyes, small droplets decorate Jongin's long eyelashes and the most relieving sound comes from his mouth. Jongin chuckles and hugs Kyungsoo so hard, it knocks the air out of him.  
  
To know that Jongin is there and loving him back, calms Kyungsoo. _It could work –_ he thinks – _You don’t have to suffer anymore._   
  
Jongin gives a deep kiss and Kyungsoo simply wraps his arms around him. Is like time didn’t even go by, they know each other so well the kiss speeds in a few seconds and Kyungsoo receives him open mouth and with all the passion he has been holding for the past months. They kiss for a minute and Kyungsoo tastes salty tears accompanying the truth of Jongin’s words, he returns them by hugging him tightly. When they break apart Jongin doesn’t let go, he hugs him by the shoulders.  
  
“I love _you_ ” – it may be cheesy, but Jongin repeats those words other three times, he kisses Kyungsoo’s cheeks and hugs him tighter – “I’m so happy” – the younger says and laughs.   
  
Kyungsoo snickers and his voice muffles in Jongin’s shirt, he tries to stop the tears but they fall for different reasons now; he senses the exact moment his chest lifts, he’s so relieved not just because he said it, but because Jongin holds him tighter.   
  
“Can I stay with you?” – Jongin asks.  
  
  
The night is silent, the air is warm and Kyungsoo hasn’t felt so tranquil in such a long time. As Jongin rests his back on the mattress, Kyungsoo breathes deep, trying to grasp everything that happened a few minutes ago.   
  
“Why didn’t you say it sooner?” – the older breaks the silence and Jongin rolls on his stomach, to be face to face.   
  
“That I love you?” – Kyungsoo nods and Jongin sighs - “I really don’t know, Kyungsoo. I guess…because I’m an idiot, because I was scared and I had a million things going on…the best answer is because I’m an idiot”   
  
He chuckles and drops his eyes.  
  
“Another question” – the older says – “Why is your hair pink?” – Jongin removes some of the strands off his forehead as he chuckles once again.   
  
“I recorded a music video recently…” – he answers.  
  
“What? You will comeback with another album?” – the older says, sitting up.  
  
“Not exactly…I’ve actually been recording with Sehun”   
  
“Sehun? Oh Sehun? He’ll debut…”   
  
“He’ll debut with me…as weird as it is” – he explains – “We will be a duet for now, the company thinks we go very well together, and after a few months he will have his solo promotions”   
  
Jongin shrugs, giving a small smile to Kyungsoo as the other smiles back.   
  
“I talked to him a few weeks ago and he didn’t say anything…”   
  
“We’re not supposed to” – he says and Kyungsoo smirks just a little. Sehun really treasures his job; he has been living on cloud nine since he signed with SM Entertainment, so he understands why he didn’t say anything on Jongdae’s birthday party.   
  
“When is your graduation?” – Jongin speaks after a few seconds. Kyungsoo only looks at him but doesn’t respond.    
  
“Did I…miss it?”   
  
“It was a month ago, actually” – Kyungsoo answers and Jongin nods very slowly, his eyes travel the bed cover, as if he was thinking about something.   
  
“Do you think…” – the younger begins – “Maybe if I had texted you before we would–“  
  
“Have been together sooner?” – Kyungsoo finishes the question.  
  
“…are we together?” – Jongin asks.  
  
Silence.   
  
“Are we?” – Kyungsoo repeats and both laugh.  
  
“It seems so…” – Jongin answers and crawls in front of Kyungsoo – “Unless you don’t want to”   
  
“I want to” – Kyungsoo responds.   
  
There are some uncertainties, but he wants to be with Jongin, he won’t let go a second chance with the person he loves. Jongin smiles brightly and pecks Kyungsoo on the lips.   
  
Jongin spends the night in his house. They eat, talk, watch TV and fall asleep next to each other – they don’t have sex that night.   
  
The only thought Kyungsoo has as he watches Jongin sleep the next morning, with the smell of his perfume floating in the air, is that being in love doesn’t hurt him anymore.

\- - -

Kyungsoo wakes the morning after to a loud beeping, a groaning voice and the scent of a fruity shampoo. It takes him several seconds, in which he lazily opens his eyes, to recognize Jongin as the one groaning and the beeping as a cell phone – but not his own.   
  
“Yes?” – Jongin answers, his eyes still closed and his lips so puffy Kyungsoo almost giggles – “I thought I could stay in today...Did you call Sehun? I understand but this was my weekend off before promo- does it have to be today? Yes, I understand. Alright. Bye”   
  
Jongin releases a sigh before opening his eyes, finding Kyungsoo looking at him from the other side of the bed.   
  
“Hi” – he says shyly and Kyungsoo smiles softly – “Sorry for waking you up”   
  
“Do you have to work?”   
  
“Yeah” – the younger answers and turns to face Kyungsoo – “Apparently my managers forgot to tell me they changed the schedule of an interview”   
  
Another sigh comes from Jongin – “I’ll tell them I don’t feel good”   
  
“Can you do that?” – Kyungsoo asks, raising a brow.  
  
“I shouldn’t, but I’m not obligated to go…they can re-schedule” – he answers – “I’m with you today”   
  
As cheesy as it is, and as much as he tries to hide it, Kyungsoo starts blushing. He realizes that after so long and after all they went through, Jongin and he can enjoy a morning in between their arms and call each other a couple – not just friends with benefits. Jongin smiles and brings him closer.  
  
“Tell me what you’re thinking” – Jongin says.  
  
“I think…I want some waffles” – the other answers and Jongin giggles.  
  
“I meant why you suddenly started to blush”   
  
“I…if I say it I’m going to have to jump out of the window” – Kyungsoo says without looking at Jongin, but focusing on his hair. He notices how Jongin smirks, scrunching his face in the prettiest smile and curls his head in Kyungsoo’s neck.   
  
“I love you” – Jongin’s voice muffles and Kyungsoo’s heart is practically bursting out of his chest, Jongin can repeat those words for the rest of his days but he will never get tired of hearing them. Kyungsoo rests his hand on Jongin’s waist and lets him peck his way down his neck. He lifts Kyungsoo’s shirt to kiss his stomach as well, he takes his time, brushing his lips on every inch of skin he touched so many times before – but that he wants to enjoy once again.   
  
Kyungsoo keeps gazing. Jongin kisses his bellybutton with closed eyes and comes back to his side of the bed with a joyous expression – Kyungsoo takes Jongin by the waist and pulls him closer, taking his mouth on a lazy kiss. The older climbs and sits on top of Jongin, continuing the kiss and rolling his hips just slightly – Jongin groans.   
  
“Don’t start teasing me like that”   
  
They kiss for long, they lose track of time, they wouldn’t care if rain falls and earth floods, they wouldn’t care if the world stops spinning or if the sun simply lights off – they had each other and tasting the truth of having your loved one there was enough to stay.   
  
The yellow sunrise illuminates the room and especially Jongin’s bare back as he holds Kyungsoo’s naked body, slowly rocking their hips together, letting Kyungsoo adjust to the feeling.   
  
“Is it okay?” – he whispers next to his ear, Kyungsoo nods with his eyes closed – “I love you so much, Kyungsoo”   
Kyungsoo pushes his head down the pillow as Jongin thrusts once. His moans are low and with every breath he takes, Jongin thrusts again.   
  
“You’re the most perfect thing” – he says in between a thrust – “in the world”   
  
Jongin speeds the motion and Kyungsoo only moans with his eyes closed, Jongin sucks a sensitive spot on his neck, more moans comes. The air seems warmer and fresher, his senses are waking up and he thinks he’ll go crazy with pleasure. He wants more of Jongin, he wants to remain with him for the rest of his days, he’s so in love with him.   
  
“Go faster” – he demands with hoarse voice and Jongin obeys, the bed creeks and the white sheets are tangled at the bottom. Jongin yells once the sweat is running down his torso and Kyungsoo sits up, pushing Jongin’s cock deeper with the weight of his body. He’s on top now and Jongin runs his fingers up and down Kyungsoo’s thighs.   
  
“I love this sight” – Jongin says and Kyungsoo erases his smirk with a desperate kiss. The thrusts intensify and Kyungsoo sinks his face in the crook of Jongin’s neck, his moans are all Jongin can hear.    
  
“I need–“ – Jongin mutters as he flips their positions – “I need to see you”       
  
Kyungsoo looks straight to his eyes and everything he’s feeling intensifies.   
  
“I love you” – Kyungsoo says and tangles his fingers in Jongin’s hair – “I love you so much, _fuck_!”  
  
The thrusts are harder and Jongin has hit his prostate, his screams can probably be heard by the neighbors but he won’t mind, Jongin pushes harder and Kyungsoo can tell that he’s about to come.   
  
“Jong.In” – he stutters and pushes his lips to connect with the other’s. Jongin grabs Kyungsoo’s cock and pumps, Kyungsoo will lose his mind in any second and Jongin loves how heated he looks – “Keep going, don’t-fucking-stop”   
  
As Kyungsoo reaches his climax and Jongin follows him not too long after, the pants are all that fill the room. Jongin uses the little strength he has left to move next to Kyungsoo, folding his arms around him and kissing his cheeks so tenderly.   
  
“I love you” – Kyungsoo repeats with a kiss on his mouth.   
  
They remain still for several minutes and Kyungsoo only hums a melody, he wants those moments to last forever in his memory because that’s the first time he has ever made love – he doesn’t want to forget it. When the sun is higher and higher in the sky and Jongin’s phone starts buzzing under the pillow, he breaks the silence.   
  
“Shit, I forgot–“   
  
Kyungsoo sits up and covers his middle half with the bed covers.   
  
“I’m sorry, Sungyeol” – Jongin mumbles and fake coughs – “I’m not feeling very well…”   
  
Kyungsoo snorts softly because no one could believe that, but somehow Jongin ends the call in less than a minute.   
  
“So what do you say about those waffles” – Jongin says with a smirk.


	4. Epilogue

“Good afternoon, Mr. Do” – a soft voice greets him from the reception desk and he smiles because no one greets him like that at his apartment building – “This package arrived this morning but Mr. Kim hasn’t come today, should you receive it?”  
  
It’s been two months and the receptionists in Jongin’s apartment know Kyungsoo already, they greet him just like they would to any other owner – Kyungsoo doesn’t know what Jongin told them, but he’s not sure they know exactly _who_ he is.   
  
“Uh, sure” – he takes a thick yellow envelope in his arms and proceeds to walk towards the fancy elevator doors – “Thanks!”   
  
The label of the package reads “SM Entertainment” and by what he knows, Jongin usually signs contracts in the company building. _Would it be rude to open it?_ Up 22 floors and in the second door to the left, Kyungsoo enters Jongin’s apartment, with shinning marble floors and expensive furniture, cleaner and much more organized now that Kyungsoo stays there every other weekend.   
  
Kyungsoo hangs his coat and bag in one of the chairs, leaving the envelope in the dining table. The soft murmur of rain washes the room; Kyungsoo opens the curtains and contemplates the panorama – sometimes is hard to believe Jongin owns such place.   
  
The young man waits for Jongin, since he was the one that told him to stay the night – the envelope remains still in the table and Kyungsoo’s curiosity multiplies when he notices a ripped edge. Is it a script? Fan letters? A contract after all? A huge pack of money?  
  
 _He won’t mind_ – he concludes. Kyungsoo bites his bottom lip as two small boxes come out of the envelope, one white and another black, both of the same size and Kyungsoo recognizes it as Jongin’s most recent album – or to be more precise – two versions of Kai and Sehun’s unit debut album.   
  
He takes the black box in his hands and in silver letters **K-O** decorates the cover – Kyungsoo snorts loudly, _what type of pun is that?_   
  
Kai and Sehun pose back to bad, they look manly and mad, dark eyeliner and perfect styled hair; Kyungsoo notices a set of fake piercing on Kai’s left ear. Kyungsoo flips through the first page and in the same silver letters: **Kim Kai & Oh Sehun.**   
  
A wave of pride invades him, because he saw two of his best friends became stars, he was present – even if there were a few rocks and bumps on the way. Through another two pages the photos begin, Jongin’s pink hair and Sehun’s fresh silver dye job, they are in a boxing set and wear elegant suits in other pictures – two concepts that don’t really have much to do with each other but they somehow make it work. Jongin is shirtless in some photos and Sehun is showering with a shirt on for some reason…as Kyungsoo is halfway through the photobook, the door opens and Jongin enters the living room.   
  
“Did you wait for too long? I managed to get out pretty early today and– what is that?” – Jongin freezes and Kyungsoo mirrors his position, photobook in hand and a playful smirk in his mouth – “Where did you get that?”   
  
“It got here” – he answers – “The receptionist gave it to me”  
  
“You weren’t supposed– I mean– give it” – Jongin orders and tries to snatch it out of Kyungsoo’s hand, the older is quicker.  
  
“Why not?” – he asks and starts to walk backwards towards the couch – “I can’t look at your work?”   
  
“Have you been looking at it for long?” – Jongin walks towards him, he still has his coat and makeup on.   
  
“Not really, why?”   
  
“Kyungsoo, give it” – Jongin says and starts to chase Kyungsoo, almost tripping with the coffee table – “I don’t like people I know looking at that, it’s embarrassing!”   
  
“Why?” – the older repeats – “This is your work, Jongin, and let me tell you, you boys look so handsome!”   
  
He giggles and evades one of Jongin’s arms, he climbs the couch and starts to walk up the stairs towards Jongin’s bedroom, flipping page after page: Jongin with boxing gloves on and Sehun dripping milk all over his stomach.    
  
“Knockout, knockout, we’re a knockout” – Kyungsoo reads the lyrics out loud – “Knockout, knockout…”   
  
“Kyungsoo, I mean it” – Jongin says menacing and runs in circles trying to catch a corner of Kyungsoo’s shirt –“Give it”   
Kyungsoo walks over the bed and down the stairs once again – “Jongin, relax! What’s so wrong about it? Do you think I didn’t see and hear your past album while we weren’t talking?”  
  
“You bought my album?!”   
  
“Of course I did, I had to see it!”   
  
“That’s so embarrassing!” – he cries – “Give it, come on!”   
  
As Kyungsoo is about to end the photobook, a black page appears and Jongin catches his shirt, pushing him to the couch. Kyungsoo wiggles out of Jongin’s reach but Jongin lays on top of him, trying to snatch the book out of his hands.  
  
“Give it!” – the younger shouts – “Kyungsoo!”   
  
Suddenly Kyungsoo stops fighting and the book disappears from his hands. Jongin races to the dining table and grabs the other version as well. Kyungsoo remains still in the leather seat as those same words repeat themselves over and over.   
  


_THANK YOU,_   
_KYUNGSOO,_   
_THE MOST PRECIOUS_   
_THING IN MY LIFE_

  
“You know I can buy it online and have it delivered, right?” – Kyungsoo says. Jongin stays still, his now light brown hair falls to his forehead; he leaves the small boxes on the table and walks towards Kyungsoo.   
  
“I– it’s really embarrassing, Kyungsoo” – he says quietly – “You can see it when I’m not around…”   
  
Kyungsoo looks for whatever Jongin is hiding but his eyes are covered with the thickest black eye shadow – he lets it go. The night moves along and they have dinner together, just like always for the last four months.   
  
Kyungsoo lets it go because time is their best friend and Jongin has proven his feelings are true and their relationship has shifted to that of a couple – the sex is amazing as ever.   
  
Kyungsoo lets it go because just like he mentioned, he orders both versions of the album without Jongin knowing. Its two days later that he finds out that song number two is written by Kim Jongin and song number two is about a couple that was perfect for each other, only that they were too afraid to be in love. The melody is soft and with a hip hop tint, Jongin is the only one singing. Is not long before that song reaches [#1](http://www.livejournal.com/rsearch/?tags=%231) in many music charts and Kyungsoo has to pretend he hasn't listened to it - even at work and around his old friends.   
  
Kyungsoo doesn’t bring it up because Jongin never gives him a reason. Jongin tries so hard to be the best boyfriend he can be and the words “the most precious thing in my life” are marked in Kyungsoo’s memory.   
  
Jongin reminds Kyungsoo he loves him every day – even if it’s wordless.


End file.
